Ah, graduation. It seems like just days ago I was awkwardly Facebook-friending my entire Freshman class and explaining to my mom why I'd need to start taking the pill. I had high hopes for the future and knew that college was just the beginning to the awesome adventure that would be my adult life. But now -THANKS RECESSION JOB MARKET
- I'll be spending my post-college days sleeping on strangers couches and my nights soliciting Midwest tourists in Times Square (mention this article for 20% off!). And so I thought I should probably use my remaining days as a college student to do something positive and share with future grads what these last four years have taught me.
Most electronic devices are not waterproof.
Remember that time in high school you got really drunk and jumped in the pool with your phone? Welcome to every weekend for the next four years. Your phone WILL end up in a toilet. Your iPod WILL end up in a beer. And you WILL wake up one Saturday afternoon to find that your laptop has been marinating in a vodka-fruit punch cocktail all night. Personally, during the span on college I've seen six cell phones, two iPods, and one laptop all bite the dust in extremely inconvenient and watery ways. Which is why you should take out an insurance policy on everything and start rehearsing the following phrase now: "Why no, Apple/Dell/Sony Customer Service Representative, I don't know why the keyboard smells like Hawaiian Punch."
Don't mix alcohol and open flames
Another lesson learned the hard way. Long story short, some drunken cigarette lighting went very wrong Freshman year and I somehow managed to set my face on fire. Unfortunately, "Stop Drop and Roll" doesn't come back nearly as quickly as you think it would when intoxicated. I just stood there, cigarette in mouth, head on fire, and too drunkenly stunned to plot my next move. Luckily one of my friends noticed that I was partially ablaze and ran over. He then began-for lack of any other idea on how to extinguish the flame-smacking me in the face (INSERT CHRIS BROWN JOKE HERE
). I ended the ordeal with missing hair, burns across my face, a bit of a black eye, and a new respect for fire. It doesn't take a bonfire to kick your ass so if you choose to imbibe, do try to avoid anything with flames.
Metabolism Blows " Or, It's all down hill from here
Now don't get me wrong, there are few things more rewarding than going home for your first break and seeing the most popular kid from your high school with some serious love handles. But alas, the Freshman 15 is a just and even bitch and will eventually claim you too. Yep, barring a cocaine addiction its pretty much guaranteed that you'll pack on some pounds as you slowly begin to justify the walking to class as adequate exercise for the day. Your partying habits will cause your body to spite you. You'll develop an insatiable hunger for anything that's deep fried or covered in cheese. You'll consider investing in a Jazzy power scooter. But college is a time for reckless behavior and wild disregard, so wear your muffin top or beer gut with pride. Because if you go to the gym enough to actually starve off these two, you're doing college wrong.
The more awkward the hook-up, the more often you'll see them
College flings are fun, but they're a magnet for social awkwardness. Time has taught me that the level of awkwardness of the hookup is directly proportional to the frequency you will then see them around campus. For example, say your hook-up ends with an exchange of numbers and some gentle spooning. You'll waltz out of the door and safely be able to walk around campus without ever running into them. But if your hook-up ends with say, the two of you waking up half-naked in the hallway with a skinned knee, a half-eaten slice of pizza, and a small crowd gathering around you
. then you will see your conquest EVERYWHERE
. And I do mean EVERYWHERE
. They'll get behind you in a painfully long line at the bookstore. You'll accidentally sit at the table next to them in the caf. And god forbid you live in the same dorm, because you will absolutely find yourself alone in the elevator with them.
The key to surviving these encounters is two easy steps: To start, avoid eye contact for as long as humanly possible. Go back to the childhood rule that if you don't see them, they don't exist. And if that fails, fake a phone call. I know what you're thinking. "Couldn't I just actually call someone?" Absolutely not. You can't take the chance of calling someone who might not pick up. So hold your phone to your head, start chatting up yourself, and pray to god no one calls.