This is the survey that teaches all your closest friends the most important facts about you that they never knew for some reason. You have to fill it out with your own answers within one hour of reading it, or else the person who tagged you will contract the ebola virus and bleed from every hole. It really works, guyyyyys!


1) What is your second favorite season?


2) How old will you be on July 24, 2056?


3) Which is your favorite color of the Japanese flag?


4) Describe the last poop you took in excruciating detail as it was experienced by the five senses.

As always, it began with just a hint of pain as my sphincter was stretched beyond its normal comfort zone. However, pain soon gave way to joyous release as I heard the nuggets of yesterday's delicacies hit the water with exactly five satisfyingly wet plops. Immediately, a rich and powerful odor filled the room. I breathed in deeply the musky scent of my own manure. Just a hint of a smile grazed my lips. As I stood to wipe clean my soiled orifice, I could not help but proudly peer at my creations. They floated, one and all, just below the surface and shined with the same chestnut hue as a sweat-covered mare. The water began to dissolve their edges, which gave them the delicate appearance of snowflakes. What's this? I spyed a single kernel of corn. I did not remember ingesting corn in the last week but, as they say, the proof is in the pudding. I pondered over the cruel nature of the universe that would let me feel, hear, smell, and see my meal twice and only allow the simple pleasure of tasting it but once. Oh, God in Heaven, why do you taunt us mortals so? To keep a perfectly edible snack of corn so narrowly out of reach is torture too much to endure!

Oh, what the hell…

5) How many brothers/sisters do you have?

One; a younger brother.

6) Quote something from an eastern religion so that you sound like a douche.

Knock on the sky and listen to the sound – Zen Proverb

7) Who was the last person who slept in your bed? I'm talking about sex here, people. Break some hearts!

I think I'll have to plead the fifth here. Hehehehehe!

8) Quote something really annoying from pop culture that you still think is funny.


Hahahaha, remember that, guys? It's from Anchorman starring Will Ferrell. Steve Carell's character, Brick, said that in the scene where Will Ferrell's character, Ron, was talking about the nature of love. Brick started naming objects in the room and proclaiming his love for them. When questioned, he strongly affirmed that he indeed loved the lamp. Hahahahahaha, classic!

9) When is the last time you masturbated to pictures on Facebook?

That's…that's absurd. What are you implying? I don't…I don't…what? I mean, I have a girlfriend. I don't need pictures of her closest friends bending over slightly to reveal what seems like acres of smooth, firm bosom like ripe fruit dangling in the Garden of Good and Evil.

10) Are you pro-fetus-murduring or anti-women's-rights?

That's a very interesting question. It reminds me of the time my friends and I went out for ice cream. I wanted chocolate, but they only had rocky road so I had to eat rocky road. It turns out that rocky road is a very good flavor of ice cream, but I never would have tried it otherwise. I think that answers the question pretty fully.

11) What is the most self-centered thing you've ever done?

I began to ponder that question, but my massive ego rejects the notion that I am anything but selfless. Therefore, I will turn the question on its head and tell you the most selfless thing I've ever done which is, of course, that I took the time to fill out this survery.

12) Faced with a global recession, a failing auto industry, a broken healthcare system, and a war on two fronts in the Middle East, what steps should President Obama take to ensure that America emerge from this crisis stronger and more able to confront the unique issues of the 21st Century?

Okay, three steps:
1. Don't stop believin'
2. Hold onto that feelin'
3. Streetlight people.

13) Which sexy teen celebrity would you be the most willing commit statutory rape for? Remember staturtory rape is still consensual. Don't make this weird.

Julia Roberts' niece; the one who played Nancy Drew. If she's at least 16 now, she's legal in a lot of states. But some of those states have a maximum age difference for sexual contact between an adult and someone who is younger than 18 but older than the age of consent. I'll have to do some further research because I haven't thought this out very well.

14) When no one talks to you ever again because the volume of personal information provided by this survey negates any need to make actual human contact, will you cry alone or drink alone?

What makes you think that those two things are mutually exclusive? Besides, there are plenty of other things to do alone. Like die.

15) Okay, finish us off by saying something that's just really stupid and will make everyone want to hit you in the face.

Avril Lavigne writes her own music.

Yay!!!! You did it!!! Remember, the more people you tag, the more you matter!