Alison went to the island this week, away from computers and TVs so I figured I'd try to make sure the article gotten written. I may have picked the single worst episode to try to write about. This episode was all over the place. So I figured instead of being original in any way, I'd keep her same format. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And if it's a Hydrogen bomb that isn't detonating, just hit it with a brick until it works.

Was it just me or was this the single jumpiest episode ever? We started with 6 different storylines to flash between: flashbacks involving JACOB (Jesus Christ that was awesome), Locke leading his people to Jacob, Radzinsky and Chang arguing at the Swan station, Jack & Sayid with past Richard, the "What lies in the shadow of the statue" gang, and Juliet, Kate, and Sawyer. Luckily, Jack's and Sawyer's group met up, and the Shadow of the Statue gang didn't get as much airtime as I would've liked, but it made the episode actually coherent and less like Heroes.Here's what went down in a faulty bundle of plutonium:

We open on Jacob (who is the spousal abuser who beats up Dexter's gf in Dexter) talking to an unnamed man. They're watching the Black Rock sail up to the island, and the unnamed man alludes to the fact that Jacob called the ship to the island. The man says he wants to kill Jacob and someday he will find a loophole. Jacob, throughout the episode, makes the rounds to visit our 815 survivors during important moments in their lives. John Locke turns out to be a huge psycho killer; he wants to "take care of" the Ajira 316 people. Locke also convinces Ben that it should be him who kills Jacob- "Why wouldn't you want to kill him." Richard leads Locke and his people to the 4-toed statue which is where JACOB LIVES. Locke waits until nightfall and takes Ben inside with him to meet Jacob. Ben throws a temper tantrum and asks Jacob why he never showed himself. Jacob responds less than adequately. Ben kills him. Locke (it's now pretty clear that Locke is being possessed by the unnamed guy) kicks him into the fire.
The "What lies in the shadow of the statue gang" make their way to what they believe is Jacob's house. The ash ring around it is broken. Alana goes in and finds a towel with the four-toed statue sewn into the design. She comes back out and informs her people that Jacob hasn't lived there for some time. They're carrying around a giant box, which is carrying JOHN LOCKE'S BODY. I mean, I thought that it would be, but still.
Kate convinces Juliet and Sawyer to get off the sub to stop Jack. Jack and Sayid have gotten the plutonium out of the bomb and are transporting it to the Swan station. They go through the Dharma barracks and are instantly recognized. Shootout ensues. Sayid takes one in the stomach from Roger Linus. Hurley, Miles, and Jin drive up and save Jack and Sayid. They all drive off, but are intercepted by Sawyer and his gang. Sawyer wants to talk to Jack for 5 minutes, and of course it devolves into a fist fight (FINALLY). Juliet breaks it up and says perhaps the sappiest line uttered on television since Dawson's Creek got taken off the air: "If I never meet you, I never have to lose you." Juliet convinces Sawyer to let Jack drop the bomb. Jack has to get as close to the drilling site as possible, so another shootout ensues as Jack makes a run for the pit. He drops the bomb and…nothing. Shit gets real, and the exact same thing that happens when Desmond doesn't press the button happens. Juliet gets pulled into the pit by some chain link rope, but doesn't die and manages to SET OFF THE BOMB.

Things we learn:
1) I can't even begin to fathom the repercussions of that conversation between Jacob and other-dude. I want the transcript in front of me right now. So many important things were said and alluded to.
2) John Locke IS actually dead. Props to Bryan who pretty much guessed it as the last comment on last week's article. It's clear that the unnamed loophole guy is somehow possessing Locke's…something (obviously not his body) but I don't know how or why. Is this the same guy who's possessing Christian's body?
3) Sawyer never took "Destiny 101" in college. With his southern accent, did anyone else expect him to finish the line with "I don't speak destiny. I speak ?Merican."
4) Hurley might love driving that VW Bus more than he loves eating.
5) Ben admits that he has never met Jacob. Pretty sure this is the first time he's actually said this.
6) The Statue's Shadow people have "Candidates" and Frank might be one.
7) Sawyer has the most insensitive relatives ever. "Sure you just watched your dad kill your mom, then kill himself. But what's done is done. Get over it."
8) Jacob has also been off the island influencing our survivors' lives. He gave Sawyer the pen to write his "Dear Mr. Sawyer" letter, he convinced Hurley to go back to the island and gave him Charlie's guitar, he got Jack an Apollo bar, he got Nadia run over by a car (LOST loves that cause of death), he was at Sun and Jin's wedding (his Korean is great), and he BROUGHT JOHN LOCKE BACK TO LIFE…at least, I think.
9) Alana and Jacob have a past, and he went to her when he needed help. She was fully covered in bandages.
10) Richard doesn't age because of something Jacob did to him. Jacob also doesn't age, so whoever John Locke saw back in the cabin that said "Help me" wasn't Jacob.
11) We re-learn that Juliet is a great fighter. She straight trucked that guy on the sub.
12) Jack is fully in Locke's camp. When Past Richard asks Jack what he thinks about Locke, Jack says, "I wouldn't give up on him." Locke should get him to write him a letter of recommendation or something.
13) There isn't a single piece of technology that Sayid doesn't know how to rig up. This proves Bush was right; Iraq totally has WMDs.
14) Ben is a pisces. Cool.
15) Juliet's parents got divorced. Every viewer collectively said…we don't care.
16) Vincent returns! As well as Rose and Bernard who somehow know they're in the 1970's. I loved that part. I felt like Rose and Bernard were every LOST viewer who stopped watching during season 3. They're like "Time travel? Uh fuck that."
17) Jacob loves Jesuit authors. He was reading Flannery O'Connor before Locke's little mishap.
18) Jack wants to change everything because he lost Kate and it's too late to get her back.
19) Sawyer's a southpaw. He was kicking the shit out of Jack with his left hand. Who knew?
20) Ben knows why/how the Anubis statue got destroyed. Sun didn't buy his "It was like that when I got here" excuse.
21) The Shadow Statue people are legit. Can I get a translation on whatever Richard answered them in Latin, please?
22) That black on white LOST logo is badass as flunk.