Dear Project 9-6-1 DJ's,

      I have a question that has been bothering me for some time that I hope you all can answer for me… Why do you keep on playing Nickelback songs? Other than the fact that Chad Kroeger is a giant tool, all of their songs sound exactly the same. And all of said songs suck huge dong. It just baffles me that a group of seemingly music-knowledgeable people would commit such a travesty.

      I must say that I believe Nickelback is the worst band to ever exist. They are so bad, that they made AIDS look like the common cold. Do you play Nickelback because for some reason unbeknownst to me, girls and sub-standard human beings think that it sounds good? Honestly, do people actually call into the station and request this steaming pile of fecal matter? Every time I hear a Nickelback song while listening to the Project, I have the sudden urge to punch a small young child in the mouth. I am able to repress this urge by immediately switching to another station where I am guaranteed that Nickelback will never play. Do I ever switch back to the Project, you ask? Sometimes… but it may be only a matter of time when I will be driving through an elementary school zone on my way to work when one of Nickelback's horrible songs comes on and I suddenly swerve into a group of 3rd graders on their way to the playground. Is this a risk that you want me to take? I think not.

      But in all seriousness, I would rather be captured by Somali Pirates on a boat owned by a North Korean executioner, locked in said ship's freezer for three days, thrown into the Red Sea with no clothes on, sunburned over 90% of my body, caught in the net of an Egyptian fishing boat, only to be recaptured by Somali pirates, sold into slavery, and forced to denounce my own religion than listen to any Nickelback song. If I had to compare Nickelback to anything in the world, I would say that they are the equivalent of the 2004 Tsunami in terms of the usefulness it has brought to this world. In fact, if I had happened to be an Indonesian native during that time, I would have been happily washed out to sea if that meant I would never have to listen to Nickelback.

      I heard the other day that you were giving away Nickelback tickets to one of the callers. I was half-tempted to call in, win the tickets, pick up the tickets, put them into a casserole, eat them, crap them out, and send them to Chad Kroeger with a note that says, "Your music stinks more than my Nickelback-ticket-casserole-crap." If Nickelback's music was made into a liquid, it would probably be similar to the fluid that comes out of people's ass after an enema.

      As I sit here trying to keep myself from lunging my body out my 3rd story window at the mere thought of Nickelback, I keep on thinking of how much of a tool Chad Kroeger is. We're not talking about something like a single screwdriver or tape-measure… we're talking about something like Home Depot. And not only one Home Depot; maybe like all of the Home Depots in the entire Southeast region. If I had to quantify Nickelback into a number, that number would be 666. That's right… the devil's number. Unfortunately, I believe the devil might sue me because he in no way wants to associated with Nickelback. And I can't believe that I almost forgot the fact that Nickelback is Canadian. Nuff said.

      I would imagine that many people across America/the World agree with my stance, but have not really thought about how to put their utter disgust of Nickelback into words. I hope that this letter makes you think twice the next time you get ready to play a Nickelback song on the radio (which I hope you don't ever again). There just might be some people driving by an elementary school playground at that time.