Chapter 1: The Pilgrims Come To America

Page 2: "On a cold November day, the Native Americans, who were here first, offered a table for the Pilgrims for what was to become the first Thanksgiving. The Pilgrims asked if they could have Thanksgiving in the afternoon, because they planned on spending that morning plotting ways to kill the Native Americans. The Pilgrims then proceeded to show up 45 minutes late and talk with food in their mouths. The Native Americans suspected some of the Pilgrims of urinating on their maize, but said nothing because they were too busy being raped."

Chapter 4: The Founding Fathers

Page 150: "When representatives from the Northern states, who only had slaves because everyone else was doing it, asked that the right to own slaves be removed from the Constitution, Thomas Jefferson famously proclaimed, 'You will have slaves and you will like it. Now go fetch me a slave, I have some slavey things for him to do. Boy, do I love slaves or what?'"

Page 186: "Days before his death, George Washington wrote in his diary that the only reason he participated in the American Revolution was so he could finally have an excuse for going out in the Delaware River to stab innocent fish with a bayonetÂ…Washington famously asked that all his slaves be freed after his death. He wrote that his reasoning for this was, 'if I can't have my slaves, then no one can.' He then declared 'Open Season' on all his slaves."

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Chapter 1: The Foundations of Philosophy

Page 30: "In The Republic, Plato conceived the idea of a society ruled by intellectually superior philosopher-kings, known as Guardians. Though they won't state it publicly, most historians will tell you in private that Plato was clearly referring to Barack Obama."

Chapter 8: Nineteenth Century Thinkers

Page 200: "German Friederich Nietzsche is is the founder of the controversial theory that God is dead, which relies on the assumption that God had existed at one time, which means Friederich Nietzsche thinks there is a God, which means Friederich Nietzsche is an idiot."
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Chapter 3: Natural Sciences

Page 90: "With On The Origin Of The Species, Charles Darwin uses moths and turtles to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Bush Administration orchestrated the 9/11 attacks. Anyone who disagrees is such a retard that they don't deserve to be called mentally challenged, which, under normal circumstances, is the phrase you should use."

Chapter 5: Physics

Page 180: "Albert Einstein, prominent member of the Manhattan Project, was no Einstein when it came to understanding that aiding in the murder of thousands of innocent Japanese citizens makes you a war criminalÂ…Aside from blowing up babies, he is best known for being the thinker behind E=mc2, the scientific equation that supports a women's right to choose."

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Chapter 5: International Authors

Page 200: With Animal Farm, George Orwell proved once and for all that he thinks fairness is bad and animals can talk. Another of his novels inspired an Apple Super Bowl commercial, proving true the long held belief that George Orwell's influence is roughly the same as 'Mean' Joe Greene and the Budweiser frogs.

Page 207: "Atlas Shrugged was not the original title of Ayn Rand's novel. Instead, it was intended to be named After Reading This Book, Atlas Shrugged And Said 'Meh'. Pretty much everyone but the guy who made the 'Ron Paul For President' Facebook group agrees it's a far more appropriate title, and that Ayn is a shitty first name."

Page 210: "Anyone with half a brain will tell you that Cervantes' Don Quixote, easily the worst novel of all time, is an atrocious blend of equine abuse and anti-wind power technology. The only redeeming quality of Don Quixote, and Cervantes himself, is this: at least they aren't George Washington."
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Introduction

Page 1: "This is the first and only page in this textbook, because the answer to every math problem is 'All numbers are created equal and should be judged as such.' Congratulations, you've just wasted 130 dollars. Thank you free market."