Campus police responding to a noise complaint at Wrenington Social Hall at 2:34am
reported evidence of "excessive folly" and what "seemed to be just a gay time" after
arriving at the scene. Sophomore Plimpert B. Rothington IV was briefly taken into custody after insisting officers accept a copy of his family crest in lieu of I.D. but all charges were dropped after his father called.
4 lesbians were arrested last night for trespass after campus security refused
them a permit for a late night summoning ceremony of the bitch goddess Lilith on the central quad. The names of the four students are being withheld, but according to police reports they're all anthropology and sexuality studies majors and smelled terrible.
Freshman Violet Franz was hospitalized after attempting to overdose on
lipstick after failing her dress making final. Doctors say she'll make a full
recovery, thanks largely to the copious amounts of cocaine in her system
at the time.
Land Grant College:
Riot police finally ended the the man-on-beast f*ck-fest that flared up in
the animal husbandry department last week. Emergency crews specially trained for this
continued to pry apart the affected students and animals as of press time. 2 sheep and an alpaca remain hospitalized.
A portly air traffic control tower operator was treated for 2nd degree burns after
spilling coffee on himself as a result of being startled by a low level fly-by performed by two cadets described by investigators as "cocky." "They're going to get themselves
killed!" said the injured tower operator at the scene, "But damn, they're good"
he later muttered under his breath.
Sophomore Perry Wintson remains in stable condition at a local
hospital after accidentally masturbating last night. Campus security responded to
911 calls at 11:39pm after Winston's roommate's found him attempting
to boil his right hand. When reached for comment, Jesus Christ said he was,
"very disappointed" in Mr. Wintson.
Senior Wallace Traymore, aka "Jelly Bean" remains in custody
on suspicion of slaughtering 15 people in a local bingo hall. When reached
for comment, police remained too terrified to speak.