Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A Conversation With My Left Hand After Breaking My Right
June 9, 2009
Me: So, how have you been?
Lefty: You're talking with me? You have talked with me since you realized in baseball you'd have to use me to catch balls.
Me: I know, I've sort of neglected you a bit in my life. But Righty got in an accident, so you and I will get to bond over the next couple of months.
Lefty: Oh sure, now that you're forced to use me, you want to bond.
Me: Look I'm sorry. Here's a pen, let's see what you can do!
Lefty: I can write just fine, I've seen Righty doing it all the time.
Me: What the fuck are you doing? Why are these letters backwards? I can't read that at all!
Lefty: Look man, I've never written before! Give me some time!
Me: We'll take a break on writing, just open my beer for now.
Lefty: I can't, I think the tab is stuck or something.
Me: Just left it up! The tabs don't get stuck!
Lefty: I think I got it, almost
Me: Not that exciting, but at least you did it.
Lefty: I'll be getting there man, don't worry. And I won't go pulling stupid shit like Righty did and get broken.
Me: Righty was trying to break my fall! He was there for me to make sure the rest of me didn't get injured!
Lefty: And look where he's at now!
Me: He saved me, and what did you do? Nothing.
Lefty: It was a stupid decision by him. I could see the danger, so I stayed away.
Me: No, you just didn't do anything. You sat there. I wish it was you who was broken and not Righty.
Lefty: You don't mean that.
Me: I do. Look, just help me drink my beer while I figure out what I'm going to do now over summer.
Lefty: So, does this mean I get to finally go in your girlfriend's pants?
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.