Dear Prisoner #349-824,

We received the requested menu for your last meal, prior to your execution next week. Unfortunately, for the reasons listed below, some of the items you chose were problematic. Of course, as these are the last foods you will taste before you leave this earth, we have made every effort, within reason, to ensure everything is to your liking.

For an appetizer, you requested…that we blow ourselves. We're not sure if you quite understood the question because that's not a food per se…regardless, our kitchen staff has decided to offer you chicken soup as a starter.

Under entrée #1, you wrote, "My big, stanky-assed black dick." Again, not a food. Ruling out the possibility that you actually wanted to eat your own genitalia, we've deduced that your intention is to metaphorically communicate your desire for us to eat it. Or at least, suck it. A realization that left us quite uncomfortable and no closer to determining an entrée for you. So we're going to make an ironic judgement call and give you some kielbasa. Please let us know if you'd like saurkraut with that at least 24 hours prior to when your meal is served.

Under entrée #2, you requested that we set up a "crazy-assed Benihana-style grill." While we appreciate you refocusing your requests to edible items, and agree that this would in fact be a "fun-assed way to go out," unfortunately, none of the prison staff are trained in the art of Teppanyaki-style cuisine. But you know what else is Japanese? Those little styrofoam cups of Ramen noodles, which we will gladly provide for you.

Following your hand-drawn arrow to the back of your meal form, we discovered the section you added entitled, "Dining Entertainment." First of all, you can't do that. And second of all, wardrobe and rehearsal logistics aside, where exactly did you imagine this Medieval dinner theater taking place? Sorry that you "never got a chance to see that hilarious shit…" but neither did all the people you stabbed.

For a beverage, you asked for some "cherry-assed Kool Aid." Okay, now you're just adding "assed" in places where it doesn't even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid.However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours.

For dessert, you asked for your mother's homemade peach cobbler. It is highly unorthodox for someone other than the prison kitchen staff to prepare a final meal. Also, you killed her about eight years ago,remember? So you'll have to settle for Hostess.

It also says here that you were hoping to "bring this motherfucker home…" with a Starbucks Grande Pumpkin Latte. We must agree that those are quite delicious. And the good news is there is a Starbucks across the street from the prison facility. The bad news is that they only make those in the Fall. Sorry.

Finally, your last meal will be served in your cell at 5 PM next Wednesday. You will have one hour to finish. And if you could please fulfill one request of ours in return, and reconsider your intention to dine in nothing but your tighty-assed whities.