Day 1

Drill Sergeant: Welcome to basic training. I am your drill instructor. I am also your worst nightmare, and I am going to work you to the bone. You will not like me, but as God is my witness I will make soldiers out of you.

Private Ethan: Excuse me "Drill guy", I need my A.D.D medication.

Drill Sergeant: You will get your medication when I say you can get your medication.

Private Ethan: Right… so I'm going to get my Adderall now because I need it, and I'll be back later.

Private Keith: Can you get me one, too? I'll give you 6 bucks.

Private Shawn: Well if he's getting his pills then I'm gonna go call my girlfriend.

Drill Sergeant: No one's going anywhere, and you will begin and end every sentence with "sir", is that clear?

Private Dylan: Why?

Drill Sergeant: Because I said so you no good piece of sh*t.

Private Dylan: How is calling me a piece of sh*t supposed to motivate me?

Private Keith: My English teacher once called me a piece of sh*t and my parents sued his ass back to the Stone Age.

…

Drill Sergeant: Drop and give me 20, now!

Private Keith: You're not my Dad, I don't have to listen to you.

Drill Sergeant: Do you have any idea how quickly you will die in the hills of Afghanistan if you do not listen to me?

Private Keith: Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how much I dominate Call Of Duty?

Private Ethan: Fuck you dude, I bet I can kick your ass.

Private Keith: Let's go play. Right now.

Drill Sergeant: No one move a goddamn muscle! When you are under my supervision, you will eat like a soldier, you will sleep like a soldier, and you will shit like a soldier. You will each be given a standard issue M16A2 assault rifle, you are not to let it out of your sight WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH A PHONE, SOLDIER?

Private Seth: Updating my twitter…In…the…army…this…is…so…ghey. Done, now what were you saying? We're going to shit a rifle or something?

…

Drill Sergeant: Your first week here is called "Hell Week", because I promise you, it will be hell. You will not sleep and you will barely be able to stand… In 10 minutes we're going to take you to get your haircuts.

Private Dylan: You're kidding right?

Drill Sergeant: You will refer to me as "sir", and I am not kidding.

Private Dylan: Well sirly you are kidding, because I've been growing my hair out for 8 months and thanks to Zac Efron and that d-bag from Twilight, chicks dig long hair and I'm getting my dick wetter than New Orleans. So thanks but no thanks. And while we're on the subject of appearance, I'm not wearing those baggy-ass pants, either.

Private Shawn: Yeah me neither. In fact, I want my pants to hug my nuts as tight as my g.f will hug me after I see her tomorrow when this shit is over.

Week 2.

Sergeant: Now that you have received your rifles, you will learn who to use them properly. Am I clear?

Some: Sir yes Sir!

Most: Whatevs.

Sergeant: We have 10 targets across this field. You are to fire upon them with accuracy and precision.

Private Ethan: I lost my gun.

Sergeant: What did you say, Private?

Private Ethan: I left my gun somewhere and now I don't have it, a.k.a I lost it.

Sergeant: That is inexcusable.

Private Ethan: Well maybe if I had my fucking Adderall I wouldn't be so absent-minded all the time.

Private Dylan: I also lost my gun.

Private Keith: Me too.

Private Seth: I got hammered last night and accidentally dropped my gun in the toilet while I was pissing and I think it's broken. Who do I call about getting a new one?

Month 4- Afghanistan

Staff Sergeant: Jesus Christ,where are all those trucks coming from? Private Smith, I need a distance read on those vehicles….Private Smith?

PFC Ethan Smith: I'm taking a nap. Go away.

Staff Sergeant: Why the fuck are you taking a nap!? Its 4 in the afternoon!

PFC Ethan Smith: Why the fuck are you answering your own question?

Staff Sergeant: (on radio) This is Staff Sergeant Hummel requesting air support immediately.

PFC Ethan Smith: This is Private First Class Smith requesting you keep it down immediately so I can take a nap.

Staff Sergeant: How the hell do they know we're here?

PFC Ethan Smith: Who gives a shit? Hey anyone wanna go see Where The Wild Things Are after I wake up?

24 hours later

CNN.com:

7 Dead in Afghanistan After Soldier Posts Pictures of Location On Facebook Album Entitled "Jz chillin wit tha crew at 35.41139°N 64.08944°E"