Me: Hey Mom, what's going on?
Mom: How did you know it was me?
Me: I have your phone number programmed into my phone.
Mom: Oh anyway, I'm trying to buy that Blackberry Player you want for your birthday online but I can't open the link you sent me.
Me: First of all it's a Blu-ray player and can't you just click on the link I emailed to you?
Mom: I am but it's not doing anything; and I was even sure to click the button on the left side of the mouse and not drag it, like you taught me before.
Me: Then you'll just have to copy and paste it.
Me: Highlight the address by clicking either right before or right after it, hold it down, and drag it across the whole thing so it highlights blue.
Mom: Got it! Yay and on the first try, I'm becoming a regular computer whiz!
Me: Yeah now press Control C to copy it.
Mom: At the same time?
Mom: You can do that? Are you sure it won't break it?
Me: It'll be fine.
Mom: Which Control button do I push? There are two of them.
Me: The left one's fine.
Mom: Okay but could I push the right one if I wanted to?
Me: I don't know, Mom, no one pushes the right one.
Mom: Okay, okay, mister, don't get smart with me.
Me: Sorry Mom. Okay now go to the Internet and click up in the address bar.
Mom: Is that where it says 'I'm Feeling Lucky'?
Me: No that's the search bar, you want the bar at the top.
Mom: Okay good, that other one sounds naughty.
Me: Yeah well click on that and then press Control V.
Mom: Oh okay Wait, it came up with a long list of websites, which one do I go to?
Me: That should have taken you to the website. Did you type it into the search bar after I just told you not to?
Mom: Is that the 'Gettin' Lucky' one?
Me: No I mean yes you don't want that one.
Mom: I didn't click that one, I clicked the one next to it that says, 'Search'.
Me: Okay, let's start over. Go to 'Start' at the bottom left of the screen and click 'Internet'.
Mom: Okay, wait it doesn't say that on there. Oh maybe this is it. No that's not it. Well maybe this is it. No not it either.
Mom: Well maybe this one. No. Now I just have a bunch of things on the tabletop and I can't see that picture I have of you at the prom.
Me: Damn it Mom that was six years ago! I'm not getting back together with Karen!
Mom: Well if you're not getting back together with her you should at least have another girlfriend. All the ladies that play Bridge on Tuesday night think you might be, you know, funny. And I know that you aren't, even though I'd love you anyway if you were, but you're such a handsome boy and you should have to beat the girls away with a stick. You know there's this really nice girl that does my hair, her name is-
Me: Mom, let's get back to the computer deal. Now let's try going back further so you can start from scratch. Just hold the power button on the computer until it turns off then turn it back on.
Mom: Isn't that bad for it?
Me: Probably but I don't care.
Me: I said no it's fine.
Mom: Well okay .
Mom: okay it's on again. Now it's asking for a password what's my password?
Me: I don't know, shouldn't you know it?
Mom: No I never had to use it, I don't think I ever turned the computer off and on before.
Me: In the three years you've had it you've never restarted it?
Mom: No I don't think so.
Me: (inaudible moans and groans)
Mom: You know for wanting me to learn this stuff so I can do it myself you're not a very good teacher! Maybe if we go back further we can start from scratch I mean more scratch.
Me: Yeah sure. How about we go all the way back before you decided to have kids so I wouldn't have to be born and put up with this bullshit! Everyday you call me with something exactly like this. "How do I send an email?" "Where do I put the paper in my printer?" "I can't hear the dancing kitty" "How can I add Karen to my Facebook?" We've been broken up for 3 years Mom! I can't take this anymore!
Me: Mom I'm sorry, I overreacted, what I meant to say was
Mom: Want me to just give you my credit card number and have you order it like last year?
Me: Yes that would be perfect.
Mom: Okay, I'll talk to you later sweetie I love you.
Me: Love you too, Mom.
Mom: Oh wait I have one more thing. Your dad and I want to watch a movie and we're having trouble.
Me: (Sound of phone being thrown, line goes dead)