Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Your Changing Body: College Edition
June 12, 2009
This is Johnny! Johnny is hygenic, well-shaven, not an alcoholic, and dresses like Carlton Banks. He's a freshman at State University Community College and is about to go through a process that will change his body forever: "college."
Johnny recently began his classes, and he has been feeling a little strange. Johnny's gut is bigger, he sleeps for 10 hours a day, he calls everyone "bro," and his liver is starting to fail. That's because his body is
! Johnny must have a lot of questions, and we have answers!
I've noticed that I'm getting way fatter!
Good catch, Johnny! When someone is going through college, they will gain lots of weight due to excessive beer intake, replacing the food pyramid with a stack of Pizza Rolls and burritos, and only excercising when its Wii-based.
Everyone around me seems to be growing man-boobs. Will that happen to me too?
Absolutely, Johnny! Breasts aren't just for girls anymore. As your body runs out of places to store your excess fat, your chest will begin to fill out nicely. You might want to get a training bra, because your low self-esteem isn't the only thing in need of support anymore!
I woke up today and I feel awful! I thought sleep made you feel better!
In your old body that was true, Johnny! But since your blood is gradually being replaced with alcohol, hopps, and barley, you will wake up feeling groggy, you will have a headache, and you will be sensitive to light. Occasionally you will wake up with a member of the opposite sex sleeping with you in your twin bed. And in rare instances, they will not accuse you of date rape.
I'm growing hair where there was no hair before like pubes on my face.
Ha ha! No no no, Johnny, those aren't pubic hairs! That's your patchy neckbeard that you haven't shaved since the last time I saw you wearing anything but sweatpants. God knows how long it's been.
What are these strange markings on my face?
Those are penises and slurs meaning "homosexual." Your friends drew them on your face in permanent marker when you passed out from alcohol poisoning last night. They probably should have taken you to the hospital, but they see you as more of an Etch-a-Sketch than a human being.
Holy Christ, why does my wrist hurt so much?
That's early on-set arthritis, brought on by frequent masturbation, playing too much Wii, beer pong every night, and high-fiving everyone whenever you're drunk which is almost always nowadays! When was the last time you actually had a glass of milk? And no, white russians don't count.
I smell awful!
That's because between going to 9 hours of class a week, sleeping through most of the day, videogames, and starting your drinking consistently at 3 PM, there simply isn't enough time to shower daily! Try to get on a bi-weekly schedule, or just douse your clothes in enough Febreeze to drown an elephant.
I don't like the way my body is changing! I want my body to be like it used to be!
Sorry, Johnny! But your body has changed for good now. It's the natural cycle of life, Johnny, and you just threw up all over it.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.