Boomer
A pre-adolescent nugget-scarfing habit and the emotional fallout from an illicit relationship with Steve Harvey ballooned her trim physique to an obscene 300 pounds, after which she switched her allegiances to Subway. Unaware that Jared never ate the "Pile-All-The-Meats-On-There-And-Charge-Me-Ten-Bucks on Italian herbs and cheese," she eventually topped the scale at 423, and then became pregnant for six consecutive years to maintain an excuse for being fat. Like every other living person named Boomer, she lives on a catfish farm in the Mississippi Delta. And in case you're wondering, she named all her kids after dipping sauces.

 

 



Wheels

After years of regenerative physical therapy and undergoing a costly experimental bionics procedure, Wheels took his first steps in 2002 and…nah, I'm just yankin' your chain. He tears tickets at a movie theatre. Still living that semi-harmed kinda life, if you know what I mean.

 

 




Kid Vid
Equipped with two kinds of skills that are rarely simultaneous—technological and interpersonal—Kid Vid founded an online consulting firm, Kiddie Kommodities, for parents who want to exploit their children through corporate advertising. Approached in 2003 by Billy Ray Cyrus, Kid Vid assembled a dream team of Kit Culkin, Lynne Spears, and Michael Jackson's father's ghost, and created the Frankenstein of child stars using his newly-patented fame formula of virtue, bubbliness, and pheromonal sexuality. They called her Miley.

 

 




Snaps
Good college, dream wedding, adorable baby—that whole shtick. Had a gluten reaction at 22, turned out to be celiac disease. Chronic diarrhea, severe vomiting, distended bowels. Pretty much the works. If you want to see an eruption, give her a Wheat Thin.

 

 





I.Q.
A brilliant young chemist with accumulating student loans, I.Q. started spending time in a new kind of laboratory, producing wholesale methamphetamine under the street name "Burger Zing." Knowing his way around an ephedrine molecule, he found a way to synergize Alka-Seltzer with his product, allowing him to pocket an extra 30 bucks a gram. Once his debts were paid, he found himself too deep in the trafficking game, and one thing led to another until he became the top dawg in southwestern distribution for the Latin Kings.

 

 



Lingo
Speaking of Latin Kings, guess who became a Latin Queen, that is a total sets-off-your-smoke-detector, five alarm flamer? Bingo—it's Lingo. Fresh out of high school, he decided to explore the theme park industry.While drawing caricatures at Six Flags let him pursue his art and stare at soaking wet boy toys as they got off water rides, Bugs Bunny National Park wasn't as fabulous as he'd hoped. So he quit and opened a boutique in Wrigleyville, where he does nude portraits on commission.   

 

 





J.D.
Dead; ate a lot of chocolate.

 

 





Jaws
He graduated magna cum laude from an esteemed east coast university and took work with an ad agency in Brooklyn. After bottom-feeding in the company for a number of years, a couple of big clients came his way and he eventually found success as a freelancer. He's recently worked on a series of print ads for Vitamin Water. And no, nothing with basketball, nothing with fried chicken. Tell your assumptions to suck it.