Host: Welcome back to Public Access Channel 11's continuing pre-show coverage of The 14th annual Townies, here at American Legion Post 343. I'm Beth Gerzowski, and you know, this is shaping up to be one of the most competitive Townies we've ever seen, with no clear favorite in categories ranging from "Excellence In J.V Football Practice Attendance" to "Best Chinese Restaurant To Drink Underage In" to "Excellence In Local Election Sign Holding." Who will take home the Golden Letterman's Patch this year? We'll know in just a few minutes! It looks like my co-host Tommy "Sully" Sullivan is with another nominee…Tommy?

Tommy: Thanks Beth, I'm here with Steve "Stevey" Graziani, how's it going Stevey?

Steve: F*ckin' good to be here, guy.

Tommy: Tell us what you're nominated for tonight…

Steve: I'm up for "Excellence In High School Party Attendance" for the 7th year in a row, and I'm really excited, I think this is finally my year.

Tommy: Now, last year you won the Townie for "Excellence In Hitting On The Underage Sister Of A Former Classmate" but you weren't nominated this year.

Steve:— Yeah, I been seeing this waitress from The Grey Barn so, you know, I hadda tone it down a bit 'cause her dad's a cop or some sh*t. Plus I got 3 D.U.Is and there's a warrant out for my arrest which, by the way, is total bullsh*t.

Tommy: Well thanks for talking to us and good luck tonight. Beth, back to you…

Beth: I'm here with Davey "Shotgun" Simpson and Teddy "The Rifleman" Carter, and together they're up for "Excellence in Beer Pong Competitiveness At A College Party Where You Don't Know Anyone"

Teddy: Effin right, baby! Nobody beats us at beer pong competitiveness! WHOO! * high fives * We worked our asses off to get this.

Davey: That's right, every weekend we stalk the Events page on Facebook, drive 2 hours to Bridgewater State, get there at like 8:30 to make sure we're signed up at the top of the list, and after we win our first game, which we always do 'cause we play 7 nights a week, we proceed to make and enforce our own obscure rules.

Teddy: Also, we make sure to treat every minor infraction as if it were a life and death situation, yell at girls we have no chance with, and just make beer pong an unpleasant experience for everyone!

Beth: Terrific guys, and good luck…Tommy, I understand you're with a very special guest.

Tommy: Beth I'm here with the dean of townies, Petey Callahan. Petey's being honored tonight with the Lifetime Achievement Award for his distinguished career. This is a man who's won a record 8 Townies, including "Excellence In Attendance Of A Town Common Concert" and 5 consecutive victories in "Excellence In Attendance Of A July Fourth Fireworks Display." Petey, describe your emotions right now.

Petey: Well, it feels great, and to be honest—-

Tommy:—- Sorry to interrupt Petey but I'm told we have some very special guests… Beth?

Beth: Tommy, we have actual Hollywood stars here at the Townies! Lisa Kudrow and Jimmy Fallon! What's up guys? I didn't know you were townies…

Lisa: We're not, I mean, we've lived in the city our entire careers, but one night we went to some "Picnic In The Park" in a town just outside Des Moines for like 15 minutes and they nominated us for some awards. We thought it was kinda stupid, but they said they were glad to nominate us because we help "legitimize" it or something.


Lisa: Wasn't really a joke, Jimmy.


Beth: Well good luck… It looks like the show is about to start, so that's gonna do it for us here at the pre-show. On behalf of Channel 11, thanks for watching and good luck to all the nominees.

Tommy: Be sure to check out our website at Goodnight!