Officer Michaels: Ok son, do you know why I pulled you over?

Trent: Uh, no, sir.

Officer Michaels: Well, I clocked you going 55 miles per hour in a 25 zone. You're looking at a pretty steep speeding ticket.

Trent: I'm sorry officer, it's just that-

Officer Michaels: So it's a good thing I'm not gonna give you one.

Trent: Yo-you're not?

Officer Michaels: Of course not! 55 is actually a perfectly reasonable speed to drive here. Everyone knows that the only reason the speed limit's 25 is so vindictive power hungry cops have an excuse to pull over teenagers. It has nothing to do with the sharp curves or the elementary school.

Trent: Oh…ok.

Officer Michaels: Plus, I'm sure a driver as experienced as you are would never do anything he wasn't absolutely sure was safe, and that he hasn't already pulled off, like, a million times before.

Trent: Well, I have had my license for three weeks already.

Officer Michaels: Three weeks? Hell, at this point you should be the one teaching my fat overpaidass how to drive! You're also probably going somewhere really important, huh?

Trent: Oh, definitely. My boy Zack is throwing a killer party at his place tonight.

Officer Michaels: Wow! Zack's house, and you were only going 55? That's the most admirable self-restraint I've ever seen! You need me to pick up some beers for you?

Trent: What? You would do that?

Officer Michaels: Well, sure! All of us cops know that the 21-year-old drinking age is bullshit. I mean, if you're old enough to go to a My Chemical Romance concert by yourself, you're old enough to drink, right?

Trent: Hey, yeah!

Officer Michaels: Exactly! We just enforce it because no one commits any real crimes in this town, so devoting all of our time and energy to arresting kids for stupid crap like underage drinking and smoking pot is the only way we can validate our otherwise pitiful existences. Also, we hate teenagers. A lot. We're no better than the Nazis, really.

Trent: Well if all these laws are just designed to make our lives miserable, then why did you pull me over in the first place?

Officer Michaels: It makes me feel better about my incredibly small penis.

Trent: Oh, right. I should've known that.

Officer Michaels: You know what? Why don't you drop off your car, hop in mine, and I'll give you a ride to the party? That way we can speed as much as we want and do all of the drugs that I just confiscated so I could use them myself.

Trent: Sounds great!

Officer Michaels: Awesome. Just don't say anything about Kranik, ok? We need to claim we don't know where it came from when it starts destroying the Hispanic community next year.