I've been thinking of my next project for quite some time and to be quite honest with you, I've had so many insane thoughts lately that my brain has been cluttered like a sumbitch. So to relieve the clutter, I've decided to not blow you up with an overdose of the real this time around. Rather, I've decided to do what any normal sociopath would do. I'm going to be like a little kid with a cold and share my shit with the world. So without further ado, I present to you some of the not-so normal thoughts that have crossed my mind in the past few weeks. Take cover.
What is the easiest way for a guy to win a fight at a bar, especially if he knows he may lose? In my opinion, he should get naked and stand his ground. Why? Because no one in their right mind wants to fight a naked guy. Well, except possibly another naked guy, and if he does, there's some other shit going on there that no one involved is fucking ready to talk about. Also, no self respecting guy wants to take credit for beating the shit out of a guy with no clothes on, because they don't want to have to answer the question, "Why were you fighting a naked dude?".
Why do people go to jail for theft if they steal free stuff? That's like charging someone for murder if they show up at a funeral and shoot the dead guy while they're laying in the casket.
Does every hot bitch at a bar think that it's a man's purpose in life to pay for the promise of sex with alcohol? I think so because there are so many out there who swear up and down that a guy wants to fuck them just because he went up to the bar, bought a apple martini for them and expects a little conversation in return. Get the fuck over yourself. Oh, and for all of you ladies out there who are offended by the word "bitch", look at it like this: all the bitches who do that shit ARE bitches! Simple minded fucks, do us all a favor and take a nap in the street or some shit. Not every guy who buys you a shot at the bar wants to fuck your brains out. Hell, some of the best friendships i’ve ever had with females in my life got started over a few drinks. So if the guy comes up with a shot and is willing to give it to you, you don't have to drink it. Just take it kindly and be nice to him because while a lot of guys may want to fuck you, some have other intentions. Like did you ever stop to think that he may be married, ubersingle, ubergay, or just (GASP! Heavens fucking forbid!) a truly perceptive individual who overheard your conversation, thought you were cute and was attracted to your personality? You know, your personality, that thing that you keep telling us to pay attention to that isn't 38DD and held back precariously by the shirt you wore to the club that night made out of fishing line and bandannas. And speaking of which, why do girls tell guys not to stare at their tits all the time, then follow that up by wearing a top that looks like a belt wrapped around their nipples into an establishment that serves alcohol to men? That's not right, picking and choosing when you want the rules to apply. That is SO cheating. Shit, why don't you just tie a fucking steak to a dog's back, you dirty-fighting motherfucker?
You should not be in porn if you don't like the taste of cum.
Growing up, did you notice that most of the retarded kids in the special education classes at your school were really fucking strong? Why is that?
I want a television show, just so I can talk shit about Amish people. I mean really, it's not like they're going to find out about it.
The next self righteous asshole who tries to tell me that smoking is bad for you is gonna get set all the way the fuck on fire. Like I didn' know that already. "Smoking is bad for you"? Hell, life is bad for you! That's why we have vices. The reason there are vices is because they are enjoyable and they are stress relievers. Alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, pornographic materials and other things, when done in moderation actually improve the overall quality of life because it keeps you from wanting to kill yourself and others for the garbage in the world. Any person who truly believes that there is no need for such things obviously reads the Bible while taking a shit and jerks off whenever they read the words in red. If you do nothing at all, whether for health reasons or by choice, that's all fine and dandy. I'm not trying to get in your ass. But if you're one of the people who feel the need to tell me that smoking is bad for your health while you're drunk as piss or thinking about going home after work and getting your rocks off watching some good old fashioned porn (or jerking off to the Bible), well I'm sure there is a special place in Hell for you.
Why doesn't the rest of the fast food industry just be honest and do what Hardees does? Hardees has no regrets in telling it like it is: this shit is fucking going to clog your arteries, make you gain thirty pounds, and cut 17 years off your lifespan but you will enjoy every delicious, fat-filled bite of it. The only thing they have not done yet is wrap 8 slices of bacon around a two pound hamburger patty injected with Cheez Whiz, slap it on a bun that's been dipped in the grease from the deep fryer, and call it the "Goddamn, You Are a Fat Bastard!" burger. And the sad thing is, even if they called it that and served it with a syringe full of adrenaline (just in case your heart stopped while eating it), you'd still order it if it came with a free extra large order of curly fries.
I had a friend recently say to me, "For some dumb reason, chubby girls with low self esteem seem to have really good pussy. It's these modelesque, vain females that don't know how to fuck half the time". I've noticed this too, in a way. It's been my experience that the harder it is to see the girl naked, the more mundane the sex is. I guess if you have to fight the guys off with a stick all the time and you don't want to be perceived as a whore, you don't get to use it as much as the girl who is average looking and kinda cute but isn't hung up on herself. Now guys, I'm not saying go out there and start gunning only for sluts or anything. I'm just saying, don't overlook the quiet girl in the corner. Yeah, she may get passed over by a lot by guys but there is a better chance of a guy hooking up an average girl who knows a thing or two rather than a really beautiful girl who has only seen a thing or two, ya dig? I’m not one to brag on my own shit, but in my time I’ve had sex with many beautiful girls, girls so fine that some guys are willing to give their left nut for the chance. And to be quite honest with you, two-thirds of the time, I’ve been underawed. So the moral of the story guys? Lower your standards just a hair and you may get laid more.
Someday on the news there is going to be a news report about a clown getting struck by lightning at a little kid's birthday party, and that will be the day that I will finally understand how a person can have a lifelong phobia of clowns.
Just once, I want to see someone get up on stage to sing karaoke and sing the words for a totally different song than they requested. It could be like a new genre in bad singing: karaoke mash ups.
And speaking of bad singing, I want be alive long enough to see some generic boy band's plane crash into the tour bus for Ashlee Simpson while it's parked outside of the studio where they are doing the auditions for American Idol. that way a lot of awful music will cease to be in one fell swoop.
Today, I got a fortune out of a fortune cookie from the Chinese restaurant that said "You should hide for a few days." Should I be worried?
Why don't ninjas use guns? I mean, in the movies, you never see cats in ninja suits use guns. I tend to think that they know they exist. Right now, I do believe ninjas are at a distinct disadvantage at this point because honestly, you can only swing a sword so fast.
I recently tried to count the amount of times that I’ve been drunk enough to forget how to speak English in the past year, and I lost count at around 50. For some reason, I’m surprisingly comfortable with this.
If I had magical powers, I wouldn’t use them to turn invisible or levitate or anything like that. What I would do is I would find people that I hated on campus and in my neighborhood, point at them, and instantly their lungs would turn into gills and they would proceed to drown on land like a fish.
What is love? Well, I don’t know for certain but I do have a theory. I think that the truest expression of love is this: if the person that you are with at that moment gets on your nerves all the time, so bad in fact that if there was a way to kill them and no one would ever find out, and you DON’T do it, face it, you’re in love. Actually I believe that it should be socially acceptable to say this to the one that you love and have them not take it the wrong way: “I love you just enough to kill you. but I don’t.” They should understand exactly what you mean and feel the same way. Relationships are full of bullshit and that is just the nature of the beast. Every couple has had moments where each of them has wanted to pitch their significant other headlong down a fucking flight of steps and then blame it on the apartment complex so they can claim the insurance money. They just don’t do it. Why? Because they work through their shit with guilt trips and fist fights and that’s the way it should be. The couples that look like they can’t stand each other are going to be the ones who stay together for a long time. Reasons are number 1, they get their shit out in the open and by the time it’s all said and done, they work it out, rather than try to put on the image of being the “perfect couple” and not deal with their problems, hold it all in and then later on take out their frustration on the kids, co-workers, classmates, family, total strangers, or themselves. Or number 2, because God has just the right amount of cynicism and sadistic aggression built into his sense of humor that He has no problem shitting on two people for twenty years until they figure out what the hell they are supposed to do with each other. And again, if I have offended anyone by saying that, I am NOT sorry. Remember, God made us in his image and most people have fucked up senses of humor. So inversely, God has a fucked up sense of humor because He has to relate to us on some level. Hey, I didn’t make the rules, He did.
One day, I’m just going to sit down and eat a whole paint bucket sized tub full of wedding cake icing for dinner then wash it down with a six pack of beer, just to say that I did it.
I think the reason people who work at banks count the money so fast is because in the back of their mind they realize that they are handling more money than their paycheck is worth and they are getting rid of it as fast as possible to prevent possible temptation. Kinda like if you were an alcoholic bartender. You serve shit fast.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Two virgins trying to have sex for the first time is like a pogo stick with training wheels: you kinda get the idea of what’s supposed to happen, but what’s the fucking point?
If you are a true blue, dyed in the wool lesbian, stop fucking flirting with guys!!! At some point in your past, you made the decision, “Penis…bad. Vagina…good!”. Stick with it. Don’t flirt with a guy just cuz you are bored that day. You have to realize that even though you are a lesbian first and foremost you are female to us guys and no matter what our circumstances are in life, we as men will at least want to have sex with you anyway, flirting be damned. Then you’re gonna have to waste a bullet shooting us down and we’re gonna be mad at anything that looks like you for the next two years. But can you blame us? Hell, you’d be pissed too if some beautiful girl came over, acted like a big fucking cunt tease towards you and then walked back over to her boyfriend. It’s the same thing. I’ve seen fistfights in bars over this so I know it happens. And on a related note, guys, you know I’m on your side. I’m in the men’s club. I got the t-shirt and the I.D. card. But dammit all, the next one of you guys that thinks for one second that you can turn a lesbian straight again just through the sheer fact that you have a penis and want to put it in her is getting killed in the face by me! Like I said earlier, she made her choice and whether you agree with her choice or not, that choice was to eat pussy. Or maybe she likes female companionship so much that she has eliminated men completely from the equation. Either way, there is nothing you can get going with her that will change her mind and I don't care how well you can recite Ben Affleck's speech from "Chasing Amy". It's not going to work and even if it does, nothing good will come of it. Yeah she may fuck you, but “may” ain’t a goddamn thing. “May” don’t mean shit to me except for a month in the year. She could be drunk. She could be using you to make her girl jealous. Or maybe she just wants a change of pace, like the person who drinks vodka all the time but every once in a while they will have a glass of wine. Don’t set yourself up for failure. You may not have agreed with one word that I have said but you must admit, whether guy or girl, your chances of making a relationship with someone drop significantly if you just so happen to be the wrong gender than what they are looking for. But if you are bound and determined to go that route, you better get some sense and go after the bisexual chick, because you’ll come out a lot better in the end. But don’t get all delusional on us and think that having the bi girlfriend is like living some shit out of Penthouse Forum. Actually it is sometimes but that’s not the point. The point is that chances are she’s not going to be bi when you want her to be bi. I’ve had a bisexual girlfriend before and while that shit was awesome at times, it must be stated that everyone was not meant to live the dream. You will NOT get her to hook you up with one of her lesbian or bi friends for a little three way action if she doesn’t want that. You will NOT be able to fuck other girls just cuz on occasion she fucks other girls too, unless she wants you to. If you think otherwise, you’re stupid. So just get a spoon, stick it in your ear, dig around, and get that thought out of your head right now. She is with you for the reasons that she chose and more than likely she is not trying to live that part of her life right now. If she wants to do anything remotely kinky with you, she will. If she don’t, well, guess what Papi, she ain’t. Maybe if you didn’t use girl on girl porn as your research material on the subject, you’d understand the scenario a lot better, you little bitch. Tuck your nuts and go home.
Well, that’s it, I’m done. I’ve got more but if I tell it all, I won’t have anything to talk about for about two months. And besides, do you really want to know all the fucked up thoughts that I have in my head on a daily basis? I didn’t think so. So, stay on the other side of my skull, where it’s safe