I went outside to greet the first big snow. I thought, “Aww, how cute. Someone built a snowman.” Then I took a closer look. Why was that snowman attached to a giant pair of testicles? Oh right, because it was a penis.


In grades K-12 it was customary to build snowmen. But when you’re in college there’s a sudden shift to penises or penii. I’m not sure what the correlation is between higher education and giant, frosty male genitalia. It’s tradition for students to use soft, serene, white snow to build a wiener scaled at least 700 times its natural size. Jack Frost’s elephantitis of the balls, if you will.

The natural evolution of snow formations goes right from Frosty to johnson. After you’ve mastered the traditional round, carrot-nosed man, what else can you make? You might suggest the statue of David or the Eiffel Tower. But those suggestions are for sexually frustrated Art History majors.

When college students role out of bed around 2 p.m. and frolic in a winter wonderland, something grips them as they start to shape the snow. They think to themselves, "I could build anything out of this snow. What should I make? Wait a second…I'm becoming independent. I'm thinking about my career. I'm getting an education—it's penis time."