Nature is cruel. Whether it be a lion devouring the young of a sexual rival, ants making slaves of adversarial nest-inhabitants, or wild dogs eviscerating a wounded wildebeest – nature is cruel, and at times, downright evil. Top this list off with the horrible spectacle known as dolphin rape and you come to one inescapable conclusion: Mother Nature is an amoral, capricious bitch-goddess.
But perhaps the cruelest act ever inflicted upon Earth’s inhabitants by that cunt was when she refused to create this:
That, my friends, is the coolest predator that never existed.
Yeah, Nature can go around making rejects like the manatee and humanity, but god forbid she crap out anything as awesome as a shark-headed monkey-armed dinosaur killer. God forbid she give us anything even remotely entertaining. God for- aw forget it.
Just picture that Destructosaur rampaging across a Jurassic landscape, biting bloody chunks out of Brontosauri and quenching its insatiable thirstiness with face-dunking gulps from magma-spewing volcanoes. Picture it prowling the jungles of North America with its 80 foot dorsal fin carving a tree-shuddering wake through the tropical canopy. Picture it coming down through the generations as the most fearsome apex predator of all time, small in numbers but periodically emerging from its wild domains to wreak havoc on primitive human settlements. Smashing things and eating buildings. Crushing steel and stomping through the indoor park at the Mall of America. Jumping high into the sky like some freaky anime character and ripping passenger planes out of the heavens with its giant ape hands.
Tell me you’re not packing wood at the thought of it.
Tell me you wouldn’t like to see the Destructosaur battle a human-made mech warrior from the year 3030. Mech Warrior 3030 blasting laser pulses at the Destructosaur from across a charred and smoldering cityscape. Destructosaur letting out an ear-piercing prehistoric shriek before it charged and pummeled the metal god with its humongous monkey fists. Mech Warrior being all like, “Your kind will fall, lizard fish!” right before Destructosaur chomps through his titanium nuclear fuel cell and Hiroshimas the entire Eastern Seaboard. Sweet.Tell me that isn’t blowing your mind as we speak.
Alas, there is no such thing as the Destructosaur. There are sharks, there are apes and robots, and for a time, all too brief, there were colossal tyrant lizards who prowled the Earth. Never were they combined in an awesome arrangement of death-dealing murder though. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be!
I say, if we focus our energies on this and only this, if we open our hearts and our minds and our wallets for this, then I think we can and should create the beast! We have a rudimentary grasp of genetics, after all. We know where to get the sharks. We’ve got all kinds of apes to choose from for the arms. And I think that there are at least one or two reptiles out there that if combined could give us a sizeable T-Rex torso. We have the technology, we have the will, so I say, let’s make 2007 the year of the Destructosaur!
There is the question of funding. And that’s where you come in.
But if you care about the future of awesomeness, all you need to do is send a check or money order to the Dave Mulis Institute of Genetic Recombination for the Creation of More Dangerous Predators and let me put that money to good use. I’ll be pretty busy with the research and test-trials and whatnot, so you may not hear much in the form of newsletters, but rest assured, my success will be apparent soon enough. Likely in the form of a thunderous growl that quakes the earth and heralds the end of all things Man.
So send that money, and I’ll see YOU at the Apocalypse!