Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Morning After: 24
January 23, 2007
It's 10:00, and the nation spends a few minutes reeling from the destruction of part of Valencia. In the meantime, Jack takes a brief detour to help some guy out of a crashed helicopter, and then finally snaps out of his Chinese-induced funk to get back to the business of kicking ass.
And not a moment too soon. Fayed was not blown up by the nuke, but his nuclear scientist was, so Fayed contacts the nondescript McCarthy (not the Scots, too!) to get a new one. McCarthy is tough to figure. He’s obviously got more going on than meets the eye, given the smokin’ blond he picks up. But his plan is to escape Los Angeles by driving to Vegas? On an average weekend, the traffic is such shit that that’s like a 9-hour trip. Does he think the traffic will be lighter after a nuke has gone off? No, dumbass, it won’t. In any event, McCarthy has some names for Fayed, so Fayed promises everyone the bombs will be going off later on.
In the meantime,
just isn’t what it used to be. I’m fine with Chloe having brown hair this year, as she was clearly far too hot as a blonde to be convincing as a government employee, but some of the dramatic downgrades from the cast of Day 5 are showing themselves. I suppose it’s a natural side effect of killing half the cast every year, but really, is there any excuse for super-sketchy Milo Pressman taking over the Edgar Stiles role?
He looks like a greasy version of the guy who tried to blow up that airliner with a bomb in his shoe. Milo brings nothing to the table but a few extra chromosomes, and all the hair gel in the world won’t slick that back. Anyway,
gets a lead from Assad to a Russian general who knows Jack’s dad.
Like anyone cares, Matrix guy gets roughed up by, ironically, some feds who look like Matrix agents. He tacitly agrees to wear a wire and tries to blend in with some guys who actually appear to be of Middle Eastern descent at the detention center/gradeschool. Sandra Palmer disapproves over and over, and gets told to shut up every time.
President Palmer’s main role this week was to roll down to the White House bunker, where his midget-nebbish advisor proposes taking the opportunity to drop a deuce on the Constitution, and some admiral recommends nuking like five Middle East capitals. Fortunately, Karen Hayes shuts up mini-Hitler, who previously had shut up the admiral, so I suppose democracy is intact and war put off for another hour. Palmer’s part this hour ends with a walk to his desk, the only ten feet he’s walked so far without his hand suavely in his pocket, to tell everyone to chill out.
Jack, however, did not get the memo, and remains non-chilled out. On the hunt for his estranged dad, he visits Graham, the wormy conspirator guy from Day 5, who turns out to be Jack’s dwarven brother!
Better yet, Graham’s wife is played by still-kinda-hot Rena Sofer (apparently the only person not affected by 24 running at the same time as Heroes), who had some kind of thing with Jack in the past. Graham, who really should know better, isn’t very helpful to Jack, so Jack punches him out, ties him to a chair and puts a baggie over his head.
Proposed Kimeo: In an attempt to flee Los Angeles, Kim could have jumped into the back of a pickup truck and hidden under a blanket. Unfortunately, the driver would turn out to be an escaped convict played by Lou Diamond Phillips.
Major character deathwatch: Probably too early to tell, but I’m going with Karen Hayes. Buchanan and Hayes are apparently married or something, but why? Has 24 simply lost touch with the kinds of relationships we’re interested in watching? Almeida and Dessler, that worked. Anything involving Elisha Cuthbert, we’re game. But these two 60-year old sacks of sawdust, I could not care less if they hooked up. The only purpose this relationship can possibly serve is to give Buchanan’s character some depth by having Hayes get ‘sploded.
Do you have an awesome theory as to who’s dying next, or any other brilliant predictions? Let us know at email@example.com.
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