At this time of year, college freshmen all over the country are fighting with their parents about whether or not they should move off campus next year. For those of you who win the battle, let me lend you some advice that I learned personally. I am wise now, so I know.


  • Don’t live with your boyfriend.
  • Especially if you’re in a band with him, too.
  • If you DO, don’t keep living with him after you break-up and quit the band.
  • If you DO, don’t cut the hose out of the kitchen sink to try to siphon gas from his gas tank to get your car into the garage in the middle of the night to avoid him finding out that you came home late after making out with a freshman and ran out of gas halfway into the driveway. That hose is apparently full of water, and pressurized.
  • Get your parents to buy you an on-campus meal plan. If possible, opt for the plan that includes anything called “flex-spending” “campus cash” or “duke dawg dollars” (you can use it at the bookstore, too! Shhhh!)
  • When your roommate gets naked and puts on an E.T. mask, it’s totally ok to leave the room.
  • If you choose not to leave, though, you’ll end up with a pretty good story.
  • Just because everyone else is eating cereal out of someone's stretched out scrotum doesn't mean you have to do it, too.
  • Wash your dishes
  • When your roommate starts to smell, MAKE her go to the gynecologist. It’s only going to get worse.
  • That girl from the radio station that makes you mix tapes and brownies and puts stickers all over everything really won’t be as much fun to live with as you think. In fact, she’s batshit crazy insane.
  • If anyone in your house wants to give the spare room to a girl he just met, make sure she really is an HIV-positive rape victim with 4 months to live, not just a crazy liar. Seriously. It doesn’t make you a bad person to check, and it’ll save you all a lot of hassle.