The New York episode of American Idol showcases Carol Bayer Sager as a guest judge/wig enthusiast. Not surprisingly, a lot of people showed up to audition. Also not surprisingly, guesses of the exact number ranged from 2,000 to "a million." Let's meet some of them.

First up, Ian Benardo of "So You Think You Can Dance" fame. Other things Ian thinks he can do: wear a chinchilla wrap, fly first class, sport a t-shirt bearing his full name, and sing. Things I think Ian can do: suck. Things I think Ian likes to suck: dick. The judges agree.

Then comes sob-story Sasha Burgess, age 19, who escaped her life in the doldrums of Ohio to run away to NYC and cry. She's cute, and a decent singer, and her "my daddy doesn't love me" story earns her a ticket to Hollywood and a hug from Seacrest.

Ashanti Johnson has already been to Hollywood twice (in past seasons, not just on vacation), but this time the judges think her rendition of "Loving You" is a little too "cabaret" and not enough "South Park." She gives what appears to be a 45-minute speech, cleverly underscored by soap opera music, about why they should give her a chance, and although I think she has a pleasant speaking voice and I wouldn't mind listening to a book on tape read by her, she reminds me of a less-fat Raven Symone, and God knows the world doesn't need any more of that.

What could the world use a little more of? Hot best friends from New Jersey, which is what Amanda and Antonella are. Amanda is pretty cute and blonde and okay at singing, and she's going to Hollywood. Antonella, on the other hand, is not only a better singer, but at least 45,000 times hotter. Like, tall, thin, gorgeous face… If this singing thing doesn't work out, she can always go on "America's Next Top Model," because she is seriously the hottest girl I have ever seen on this show. Or in my life.

Kia Thorton sings "Ain't No Way" and does a good job, earning her a "yes" vote of "100%" from everyone except Randy, who gives her "1,000 % yes." Something makes me think Randy really doesn't know anything about math.

Onto day two, when Simon is too hungover to bother coming into work. It's too bad, because he misses auditioning the best person ever in the entire world, Henry Bejarano. Henry is 16, a fact which I will lament for the rest of the season, because he is also the single most attractive male mine eyes have had the pleasure of ogling. And he's a pretty good singer. I predict that Seacrest and women around the world will be masturbating to the youtube video of his audition for years to come. (Pun.)

After some bad auditions by heartbroken girls, Simon returns just in time to enjoy the vocal stylings of Canadienne Jory Steinberg and Queens native Porcelana Patino, who are very good at singing and wearing 86 leather bracelets, respectively.

There is a Montage of Name-Butchering which is entertaining only because Simon calls an Asian girl "Ping-Pong," which is basically the best 10 seconds in American Idol history.

Christopher Henry is a "Simon/George Michael look-alike" who, strangely enough, looks not at all like either, but who sounds exactly like a female Broadway performer when he sings. Predictably, Simon advises him to dress in drag, and even more predictably, Paula tries to start a fist-fight with Simon.

Rachael Zevita (I'm guessing on her last name. That's what it sounded like.) is playing hookie from Opera School to try out. Judging by the fact that she's in Opera School, she's probably qualified to be on American Idol. Judging from the dream catcher she is wearing as a hair accessory/tie-dye shirt/recent Bat Mitzvah, she's probably better suited to performing in the talent show at the end of "Wet Hot American Summer."

In a startling moment of Jake Klocksien Has the Power to Predict the Future, Christopher Richardson is put on the fast track to Hollywood mainly because he reminds the judges of Justin Timberlake.

Then Mr. Nicholas I-Have-A-Sexy-Voice-But-I-Had-To-Leave-Hollywood-Last-Season-Because-I-Forgot-The-Words-To-"Buttercup" Pedro also gets put through, but Ms. Isadora I'm-A-Clairvoyant-By-Profession-And-An-Amateur-Phone-Sex-Operator-On-The-Side sounds like she's having an orgasm while "singing" "Lady Marmalade." Not even like a hot "I'm masturbating while watching Henry's audition video" orgasm, but a scary "cut a hole in my lower back and fuck me in it using a soldering iron covered in broken glass" orgasm. Also she looks like the love child of Ozzie Osbourne and Janis Joplin, so that's unfortunate.

35 out of either 2,000 or 1,000,000 people made it to Hollywood, at least two of whom were blindingly hot. Things are looking up for America.