Did you ever wonder why the ladies aren't exactly all over you? I mean, come on, you bought that Axe body spray, what more do they want? Well, sorry to tell you this, but you're going to need to do a little more than cover up your awful B.O. with massive amounts of cancer-causing cologne. And when I say "a little," I mean "a little." You see, a perfectly executed one-liner will have any girl you want showing off her "Oh-face" (Yeah, I'm resorting to outdated references. Fuck you). For the betterment of society, I have compiled a list of these panty-removing would-be haikus that will have the women on you like Catholic priests on little boys.


"Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
    You see where this one could go awry. It may be too vulgar for some (but those girls are classy, and classy means prude. You don't want that caliber of women, do you?). But if one can ever so subtly work this into a conversation, the women will adore you like some sort of god! The reason this works so well is because women love shoes. Complementing something so trivial as a female's shoes may seem pointless, but they love it, and thats the "door opener," if you will.

    The moment you complement her shoes you have a small window of opportunity before she realized that you smell like shit covered in cheap cologne and her initial euphoria from being complemented wears off. You must act quickly! This is another reason this line works: It gets to the point. Women don't want meaningless small talk, they hate it just like we do! Hell, you could skip any form of foreplay while you're at it, girls simply detest foreplay. Using this line will get the girl of your choice out of her clothes and into the sack in no time.

"Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."
    The fairer sex will be caught off guard by your undaunting wit. The typical woman will respond with some variation of "Although you aren't in my pants at the moment, like you imply, you certainly will be tonight." Bullseye. That sweet poon will be all yours in a matter of minutes if you play your cards right. Its the comic genius like this that will keep her from crying when you tell her you don't really want a relationship in the morning.

"Do you know what would look good on you? Me."
    Honesty is the best policy, and women only like a man who looks good on them. Tell her to "Go ahead, try me on for size." That follow-up will have her on all fours, calling you daddy.


    The fact is, women love clothes. And this allusion to you being a piece of fashion will trigger the clothing-lobe in her brain. You have made yourself instantly desirable. The girl will feel she needs to have you before you become trendy and all her friends have you. Bingo. Hell, I'm sure you can tell her you're $29.95 and she'll pay you while she's under her shopping-hypnosis.


"Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day."


(DISCLAIMER: This doesn't work on fatties. Fatties don't run.)

    You're telling her she's athletic, or at least looks the part. That gives you an upper hand right off the bat. Girls also love it when guys think about them, obviously because all women have severe egomania. Pay no heed to the fact that she doesn't know you and may think its kind of weird you were thinking about her prior to this occasion. You're a pervert who has seen her strolling around campus. You've noticed her, so what? Thats not weird at all.

    She's obviously already attracted to you, so what better than to consummate your relationship with a one-night stand? Seriously, she'll totally be down, just ask her. Better yet, she knows, just blindfold her and throw her in your trunk and take her home. She'll understand completely.


(After a night of stimulating conversation with one girl)
"Hey, I think you're cute and I'd like to go out with you sometime, can I get your number?"
    No. This doesn't work. Ever. No girls will ever go for this, they'll probably just slap you. This type of line won't get you laid, sorry buddy. A better alternative is "If I were a rapist, I'd totally go for you." Thats the kind of compliment girls are looking for. And you'll totally get some. No lie.




    Those are just a few pick-up lines in a plethora of sure-fire ways to get laid. Try some of these on for size, and get back to me. I'd like to know how many women each of these lines gets you. Ten, maybe? Fourteen? Yeah, fourteen. I guarantee you'll get at least fourteen women using these lines. I should probably charge for this kind of awesome advice.