Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
If The Climactic ''Independence Day'' Speech Happened In Reality
July 2, 2009
On the morning of July 4, 1996, U.S President James Whitmore is set to make a speech that will rally Americans to defeat the alien invaders.
The PA doesn't work at first, then he turns it on.
Good morning. In less than an hour-
Guy In Audience
A little trouble with the mic there, Mr. President?
Guy In Audience:
Oh, sorry, don't mind me.
In less than an hour, aircraft from here-
Guy In Audience
-It's just that it would be nice if the guy who's leading the attack against the aliens knew how to operate a simple P.A system.
As I was saying, in less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.
Second Guy In Audience:
How do you know what other countries are doing?
We have been communicating through Morse Code on old radios.
Wow, so even though pretty much the entire planet's been destroyed, we've somehow managed to salvage old radios and keep alive the one person on each continent who knows Morse Code?
Annoyed, but needing all the men he can get, the President continues
we are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we-
Why can't we negotiate a peace treaty?
One of them told us there would be no peace after we began experimenting on it.
Well I'd probably want to kill you too if you took me into a room and started cutting me up.
Yeah dude that was a real dick move.
You don't understand, I read its thoughts. They want to conquer our planet, use up its natural resources, then move on to the next one. That's why we nuked them first.
Third Guy In Audience:
You used a nuclear weapon?!? Who cares if they kill us now, we'll be dead from exposure in 3 months anyways.
Hey, shut up and let him speak.
Who the hell are you?
My husband's flying into their mother ship so one of our computers can bring it down.
Are you kidding me? This is 1996, we hardly know anything about computers. What's the plan, attack them while they're playing the Encarta trivia game and learning from Mavis Beacon how to type without looking at the keyboard?
Someone's developed a virus that should blow up the ship.
Oh yeah, who's that?
Well, he works for the cable company, but
-So what your saying is the guy I call to unscramble my porn is going to save the planet. And how exactly do you expect them to go unnoticed while they're in the mother ship?
We still have one of their aircrafts that crashed here in the '50s.
Wonderful, I bet that won't stick out like a sore thumb. Because really, who would assume that these beings with vastly superior technological intelligence might update their spacecrafts a few times between now and 40 years ago. I'm sure they won't be alarmed when a 4 decades-old model just shows up out of the blue.
I was in the middle of the city when they blew it up, I know what they're capable of, you don't.
Wait, how did you survive?
I jumped into a doorless opening on the side of a building.
And the fire just, what, passed right by you?
Are you on drugs?
Of course not, I'm a stripper.
Because of the interruptions, President Whitmore was not able to finish his speech before Earth was destroyed by the aliens, who settled onto the planet to use up its resources. Unfortunately they all died 3 months later from exposure to nuclear waste, and Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum would join Michael Keaton and Jeff Daniels as interchangeable white guys whose popularity dwindled significantly by the end of the 90s.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.