Literature's junk drawer.

I was looking at the javelins for our track team. They have a warning label. It says, "Check surroundings for people before throwing." Shouldn't that be standard procedure for everything sharp?
-Michael Lodato
Uncomfortable Riddle
A father and son are in a car accident. The father is killed instantly and the son is rushed to the emergency room. The doctor enters, looks at the boy, and says, "I can't operate on this boy, I'm a woman!"
-Patrick Cassels
I've been having a rough week. My dog was stolen, my car was run over, and my doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia.
-Mike Cence
Never put an exclamation mark at the end of "iPhone." It just looks like you're yelling the word "Phone" in Spanish.
-Shawn Pearlman
Realistic Philosopher
If a tree falls in the forest, and that forest is home to dozens of birds, animals, plants and bugs, do they all suffer the horribly painful death of being crushed by a tree?
-Sarah Schneider
I frequently wonder what the male to female ratio is at an ACTUAL Sausage Fest.
-Jason Flowers
"Everyone says my dad was a freak, but in private he was just a normal guy." —PRINCE MICHAEL "BLANKET" JACKSON THE SECOND
-Kevin Corrigan
How many American celebrities' lives must be claimed by the Iranian revolution before Obama takes action?
-Dan Gurewich
What color is George Washington's white horse?
Brown. Like everything else that's been dead for a few hundred years.
-The NTC
She said that I always think with my penis, so I asked her to blow my mind.
-Evan Davies