Poverty's gone Megazord, and cash is hard to come by. Whatever job you had last summer has now been taken by someone older and sadder. What's worse, your friends all spike their hair and wear those cool MMA shirts, and thus have no reason to hang out with you, because you wear Sketchers and still can't really say your Rs right. And if things weren't bad enough, you live in the Midwest, which means there is corn instead of fun things to do. Luckily there exists a guide to having a decent summer for broke people without many friends. This is it.
Take Up Blindness
Leave Ominous Notes
After September eleventh happened, practical joking was shooed into the private sphere. By simply wearing a silly hat or opening one of those trick cans of peanuts/snakes in public, police wouldn't hesitate to shoot you dead. But eight years have gone by, and Freedom says it's okay to leave your seventeen-year-old waitress a note that says "Don't walk to your car alone" in red ink. It's time to remember that fun is ten times more rewarding at the expense of someone else's anxiety. Here are some sample notes you can leave to scare the crap out of people in your community:
- At a daycare: Have you checked all the toys for rattlesnakes?
- On the back of an ice cream truck: This truck is sponsored by the work release program of the National Sex Offender Registry.
- At a hospital: Took the wrong baby but liked it more. Switched around some ID bracelets to cover tracks. Good luck.
Catch an Animal and Keep It in a Cooler
Join the Army
With Captain Barack ?N' Roll steering this starship, a trip to the recruiting office isn't as daunting as it used to be. For just a short two-year commitment, you can train with the guns you see in video games, get free haircuts, and learn to do pushups the non-girl way. Plus, when you're home on leave or whatever, you can wear your cool army-guy clothes to bars and stuff, and old men will salute you. You might even get a discount at the movie theatre. Gotta check on that one. Just keep in mind that famous quote from that one president or astronaut or movie: Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you.
I know, it's gay, whatever. Dudes in white outfits waving around fairy sticks definitely homo. But maybe, um, it's worth watching. I don't know what it is but
just trust me, okay. It's kind of awesome. Sometimes. I guess.
Make a Rube Goldberg Machine from Childhood Toys