Dr. Malcolm Crowe:
So, Anna, how was yoga?

Silence.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe: Okay…are you still mad at me for getting shot in the gut last month? The silent treatment is really getting old. I don't know how many times you want me to apologize for being shot by a mentally-unbalanced former patient. It's not like I asked for him to shoot me and have me bleed all over your new bed sheets. Was it because of the bed sheets?

Silence.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe: Ya know, everyone seems to be angry at me for getting shot and ruining those bed sheets. Even people who shouldn't have any idea that it happened. Like the guy at Subway will never take my sandwich orders anymore. Then everyone gathered at that weird party where everyone wore black and cried at that wax figure of me you had made. Now all of my patients stopped coming in for their appointments, my receptionist quit without telling anyone, and they started leasing my office to someone else. Maybe it's because someone took my name off all of our bank accounts. Were those priceless antique sheets or something?

Silence.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe: So…I guess we should talk about last night. There I was, lying in bed, trying to get some sleep, when you and my brother burst in and start having sex RIGHT NEXT TO ME IN THE BED. Doing crazy stuff too, stuff you always refused to do with me. I mean, I get it – you're angry I ruined the sheets. That's fair and I'm sorry. But I think you've taken it a little far. I mean…the fluids that you guys were unleashing on those bed sheets last night are probably way worse than a little blood. Hey, ya know what I just realized? I literally haven't eaten any food in a month. Weird.

Silence.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe: I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I've also been walking around completely naked in public lately and not a single person has said anything to me. Also, I can walk through walls. Now I have no idea how you got the walls to ignore my existence, but I think that we should just bury the hatchet. I'd buy you new sheets if anyone at Bed Bath and Beyond would recognize my existence.

Silence.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe: Okay, that's it. I'm gonna start sneaking into troubled kids' homes and treat them without anyone asking me or giving consent to do so. If that doesn't work, I'm pretty sure I just want to haunt the shit out of some people.