Well, look at you. You’re a dashing young go-getter, a charmer, a success through-and-through. And all thanks to Yours Truly! That means “me,” you uncultured primate. Well, whether or not you’ve learned anything from this series, it’s time to talk parties – and no, not the sweaty vomit-paloozas with which you are familiar. How should you behave at a real high society event?
1. Ordering Complicated Alcoholic Beverages. The longer and more complicated the name of the drink you order, the more likely a woman is to overhear and go into heat. The best technique is to think of all the bartending terminology you’ve ever heard and combine it into one sentence. For added effect, add complete nonsense. For example: “I’d like a dirty Kamikaze Sidecar Flirtini, extra dark & stormy sex shooters, water-back, keep it neat between the sheets, and a half-polished Juan-Carlo pooter scooter McGuffy on the rocks.”
2. Acceptable vs. Unacceptable Conversation Topics. Acceptable topics include: Yachts, yachting, house additions, additional houses, jewelry, polo, sweaters, Polo sweaters, cats, cars. Unacceptable topics include: Any semblance of dislike for any of the aforementioned conversation topics, sincere feelings, manual labor, homosexuality, Slim Jims. And speaking of Jims, it goes without saying that discussion of “According To Jim” is unacceptable no matter where you are.
3. Targeting the Richest Woman. The first rule of being the King is that you don’t waste time trying to bed the peasantry. Did I say bed? Because poor people sleep in the hollowed-out carcasses of recently-killed boars. Now, at a high class party, a lady’s wealth is directly proportional to two things: the length of her cigarette filter, and the endangered-ness of the animal whose fur was used in her coat. So you’re looking for a lady with a half-bald eagle, half-panda coat smoking a seven-foot cigarette.
4. Learn the Art of Wit. You have two options here. The first is to sharpen your intellect and study a century of comedy. The second is to speak with a fake British accent. The simple truth is that anything you say becomes witty when said with a British accent. Take this joke: “One bloke gets in an argy-bargy with another bloke over a banger. Both blokes bellow “bugger-all!,” but the first plonker gets the bubble-and-squeak!” Say that like a cowboy. Exactly – I hate it. Now say it like a British person. Too late, I already heard the joke, it’s not funny to me any more.
Over the past month, I’ve unhinged my skull and treated you to sixteen of the most valuable golden nuggets of knowledge in my brain-chest. These nuggets are the currency of Experience. Save the nuggets and spend them wisely, and… enough with the metaphor. Get up, put on some pants, and conquer the world.
Thanks to Old Spice for making this important transfer of knowledge possible. For more advice from an experienced man, click here.