Roger Sherman: Something wrong, Elbridge? You look a little down.

Elbridge Gerry: Oh, no, everything's great. I just love watching the country that I risked my life for celebrate its independence with spirits and explosives instead of honoring an actual signatory of theDeclaration of Independence.

Roger: Oh, geez, not this again.

Elbridge: Yes,"this again!" I listened in on hundreds of barbecues this weekend and didn't hear my name mentioned at all! You'd think there would have been at least one person considerate enough to say, "Oh, good thing Elbridge Gerry was around in 1776 to aid the Continental Congress in drafting the document that allowed our nation to break free from the tyrannical reign of Britain's King George III. Let us toast to him and his exceptional legacy!"

Roger: Now, come on, Elbridge. You should know Americans don't use words with that many syllables anymore, you've seen The Hills.

Elbridge: That's not the point! Look, I signed the Declaration of Independence, so I think I should have gotten at least a little bit of recognition on Independence Day.

Roger: A lot of people signed the Declaration, Elbridge. If you were that worried about your legacy maybe you should've done something to stand out a little more.

Elbridge: Oh, gosh, you're so right Roger. I probably also should've served as a Congressman or Governor of Massachusetts or Vice President of the United States or something. Oh, wait, I did all those things! And still-still-this weekend people talked more about some Negro actor who pretended to save the world from aliens than they talked about me!

Roger: Elbridge! Just because you're upset is no reason to sully the good name and reputation of William Smith. You know very well that Hitch is the only reason my wife and I are still together.

Elbridge: I'm sorry. You're right, that was out of line. I just get so frustrated thinking about how men like Hancock get all the glory while I get nothing. I mean, all that man did was sign his name in big letters! And this pathetic rumor that he did it so King George could read it without his glasses? Poppycock! He was trying to compensate for something!

Roger: Well look, you've got almost an entire year until the next Independence Day. Why not use that time to try and publicize some more information about yourself?

Elbridge: Say, that's not a bad idea! I'm sure people would be riveted by the tale of my 1772 election to the General Court of Massachusetts. Or perhaps my famed opposition to commerce taxes would make for a better story?

Roger: …well, ok, why don't we put both of those in the "maybe" pile. But hey, here's an idea. Did you ever fornicate with any slaves?

Elbridge: Why most certainly not!

Roger: Well, you did now. That story worked wonders for Jefferson.

Elbridge: Lying about sex just to increase my popularity? Never! The America I helped found wouldn't stand for it!

Roger: Do I have to bring up The Hills again?

Elbridge: …sigh, alright. But only if we say it was an ancestor of William Smith.