Just admit it; you haven’t gotten any for a while. Perhaps the drought in your undies has something to do with your inability to chase after one type of girl at a time. That’s right, the trick is to chase after ONE genre of female, and that genre cannot be “with a vagina” or “hot”. In order to help you end the dark ages of your penis, I’m making this general guide to different types of girls and how to get in their pants.
The first girl is one of the most sought after, and the least available varieties of vagina out there. She is the cool girl, and I’m sure you know exactly who she is. This is the girl that knows everything about your favorite sport, can kick your ass at video games, and just happens to be incredibly hot. It may even be intimidating to talk to her because she is just like your best guy friend, except she has amazing boobies and a fantastic rump. Of course you want her. So does everyone else. There are some easy steps to getting with the cool girl. Just try a few of the things on the list below, and you will be burying your treasure in no time.
Learn her favorite sports team, video game, food, hot wing dipping sauce, and all other things that are important to her. Pay attention to her. Appreciate her. After you gain her trust, challenge her to a battle in her favorite game, and then lose. Repeatedly. When she is confident that you suck, make a bet that you can beat her, and wager 1 night of hot sex. Win. This is difficult, because the cool girl can kick your ass anyway. When you win, she’s all yours. Don’t worry, she won’t refuse.
Okay, so that’s the fool-proof way. Too much work? I thought so.Try one of the many other options:
Amaze her with your stunning tongue acrobatics until she crawls into your bed with you.
Beat her into submission.
So maybe the cool girl isn’t for everybody. That’s when you move on to the more available, but no less difficult, religious fanatic. Sure, she still has a smoking hot body, and she’s definitely a virgin, but her personality is slightly more abrasive, and by slightly, I mean a lot. She feels the need to inform every one of their sinful ways, while in the meantime giving the impression that she has never done anything wrong in her life. Do you want to sin with her? There are a few options that you should try:
Attend her church. Temporarily quit drinking, smoking, and all other vices that she complains about. Make friends with her parents. Keep yourself clean and groomed, and woo her with gentle words and genuine affection. Marry her. Make sweet love on your honey moon.
This is not the choice for everyone, of course. If you want the shortcuts to make the virgin sacrifice, see below:
Trick her into believing that you want to marry her. Tell her you love her. Sleep with her and never call again.
Insult her until her self-esteem is terrible. Tell her you think she’s hot. Sleep with her and never call again.
Alcohol, whether she knows it or not, will help you to get her in bed. Sleep with her and never call again.
The religious fanatic takes far more work than most guys are willing to put in, just for one time that she puts out. If you’re really desperate (which you are), you have a better chance with the sororstitute. I warn you, these directions only work if you are at least slightly attractive. If your manly parts are lonely because of your severe ugliness, I would suggest skipping down to the last option. For everyone else (and those of you who are lying to yourselves about your appearance), the sororstitute is an easy option for sex, although many sorority girls have some major appearance flaw that totally destroys their confidence. That’s why they’re in a sorority! A paper bag does nicely to block your view of a crooked nose or a missing earlobe, and doing her doggy will keep you focused on her ass rather than her extra row of teeth. But, if you want to do her at all, you’ll need to know how:
Make her feel pretty. The best way to do this is at a party. Walk up to her and tell her that you think she’s hot, then take out your penis. If there’s any chance of sleeping with her at all (which there is), she will instantly start giving you head. Drag her away to a closet and make sure the lights are out. Return to the party, repeat with another girl.
Not into public fellation? Why not? Whatever, just try another step.
Bang her friend. Tell her that you were imagining her the whole time. Bang her. Tell her friend you were imagining her the whole time. Repeat.
Get her alone, by choice or by force. Whip it out. She has no self esteem or common sense, so she’ll go with it. You can probably even stick it in her butt.
The sorority girl really is a sure thing for most people, but for everyone else, there is the defect. This may be a fat girl, a handicapped girl, or someone who was abused in their childhood. In any case, it’s as easy as pie to get at her pie. These girls have no confidence, self worth, and are mostly virgins because most guys won’t touch them. You, of course, will. You’re desperate. Here’s how to do it.
Tell her that she’s pretty. Yes, in most cases it’s a lie, but say it anyway. Spend at most a couple days talking to her like she really is normal. Tell her that you really feel something for her, and you think you should take it to the next level. Bang her in every kinky position you have always wanted to try. You can do this for a few days if you are able to keep a secret, but don’t hold on too long. If you keep it up, she’ll start telling your friends, and that’s just not cool. Be sure to make her cry when you get rid of her, so she’ll never try to come back.
If that was too much to read at once, then you will want the really easy version. Here you go, perv:
Sneak up behind her in an empty room. Stick it in her butt. Whisper “I love you” in her ear and she won’t scream. She might even appreciate the attention.
So there’s a basic guide to getting laid. Hopefully you have learned a few thing and you will be able to get some soon. Remember, keep your standards low. You can’t afford to be picky at this point. Your dick is a wasteland right now. If you fail with one girl, move on to another of a different sort. Happy hunting, boys!
Special thanks to Cody Arant for his help in writing this update.