From 11:00 a.m. to noon, it appears that everything has returned to normal in recently-nuked Los Angeles, where nobody is rioting and you can still drive from place to place. We should nuke Los Angeles suburbs more often. However, even under this thin veneer of fictional sanity, democracy takes several roundhouse kicks to the face, and it looks like we’re pretty much screwed for sure this time, even if Jack kills everyone.
The main story is Jack hanging out with his brother, Graham, as they look for dad and a link to the nukes. Jack takes Graham to McCarthy’s office, but doesn’t find anything but his dad, who’s at least 85 and at least 6'5". From this, we know that when Jack’s dad was 50 or so, he hooked up with Jack’s mom, who probably checked in at like 4'3" considering the heights of the kids. A porny flashback spinoff is hopefully not in the works. Anyway, dad’s company got a contract to dismantle the suitcase bombs from the Russian general, but Graham hired McCarthy, who sold the nukes to Fayed. Graham alternately plays dumb, cries, calls Jack simple-minded and sadistic, and eventually turns the tables on everyone, using his hired goons to kill some pasty CTU guys and truck dad and Jack out to the desert to be shot. Meanwhile, McCarthy cruises around with a Nikki Ziering knockoff and looks for scientists to help Fayed set off the nukes.
Still constipating the whole show is the Matrix guy’s stint at Inglewood Elementary detention center, as he attempts to infiltrate the Boyz ‘N the Jihood. In a completely incredible display of pickpocketing skills, Matrix guy steals a cell phone from one of the Arabs and feeds info to Chloe, who determines that these guys don’t know anything. Matrix guy then gets his ass kicked by the Arabs.
I hope to Allah that this story arc closes up at this point, but I know it won’t. So far, the whole “America Becoming Nazi Germany” thing has been suspiciously tame, with only two “lessons” being “taught”. Lesson one is apparently that black Muslims are peaceful and generally not down with shit/Valencia getting blown up. Lesson two is that American detention centers are pretty low-key, at least for the first two hours of operation. While this is probably roughly 50% accurate, doesn’t it seem like this whole season would meet with Fox News’ approval? They would probably be cool with reporting the whole thing, except all the cavity searches. This country was not built on anally violating Muslims.
Back in President Palmer’s crunker (the bunker will be referred to as the “badunkadunker” if Sandra Palmer checks in before the day is out), Lennox (the guy from Ally McBeal and Dragonslayer) finds an equally dorky nebbish to conspire with, Chad Lowe. I’m unaware of anything Chad Lowe has ever been in aside from a rough breakup at the able hands of Hilary Swank. Anyway, these two shits engineer Karen Hayes’ resignation, enabling her to go back to Los Angeles and hang out with Buchanan, while they get back to lining bird cages and wrapping fish with the Bill of Rights.
This has upside and downside. On the up, it increases the odds of her getting killed, giving my prediction of her death some juice. On the downside, we have to see Karen and Buchanan together. Good God, why? Everyone who would be interested in this relationship already went to bed at 4:00, right after Murder She Wrote.
One unfortunate side-effect of the anti-Muslim coup is that very, very hot Nadia Yasser has been flagged by homeland security, limiting her access to CTU’s database and, apparently, our access to seeing her in a skirt. This is why fascism will never fly in the US. We don’t compromise on hot chicks in skirts, sucka.
The best part of the show this week is the preview, which must have clinched the record for the least-spoiling spoiler of all time. Looks like Jack takes out the goons who were supposed to kill him (no way!) and resumes kicking Graham’s ass (you’re shitting me!).
Moment of Gravitas: “I love the constitution, but I won’t be ducking behind it when the next nuke goes off.” – Lennox.
Proposed Kimeo: Kim, while flying into LAX from a disastrous honeymoon in Maui, could be imperiled as her new husband, Anthony Michael Hall, admits to her that he has snuck at least 8 pounds of marijuana onto the flight, and forces her to duct-tape it to her stomach, as he is more likely to be searched due to his biker gang affiliation. BONUS: Mandy, also on the flight, remote control-detonates a car bomb in the airport parking garage for no discernible reason.
Do you have a plausible scenario where Kim is hot, kind of dumb, and imperiled? Or a scenario in which Mia Kirshner pulls some crazy shit? The internets need you. Drop us a line at email@example.com.