Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Right Opinion: Osama bin Squirrel
January 30, 2007
The Right Opinion is an
interactive opinion column.
It's simple: You e-mail me (
) the most absurd one-sentence opinions you can think of (for example: "Every Monday, Queen Elizabeth should wrestle an elk"). Every two weeks, I will choose one, declare it The Right Opinion, and defend it to the death.
: "Osama bin Laden is actually a squirrel with peanut butter in his hair."
~Submitted by Kyle H., WI
Connect your brain modem I'm a facts machine.
Why is it that we are unable to find Osama bin Laden? If you answered "because he's hiding in the mountainous border region between Jordan and Saudi Arabia, and he's definitely not a squirrel," then one half of you is up to its knees in wrong (your lower half, as it is the only half of you with knees).
The evidence for Mr. bin Laden's squirrelness is staggering. While not much is known about his childhood, we know that he is one of 55 children – a veritable litter of Ladens, suckling upon the fuzzy teat of terrorism. Consider the obvious point: From the caves to the trees, this man has devoted his life to gathering and organizing nuts.
As you absorb these damning connections, I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me that the World Trade Center hijackers were not flying squirrels. If you can't, you're beginning to come around. If you can, everyone will know you're lying. Find your way out of that Labyrinth, David Bowie.
"But why is he such an angry squirrel? Is it that decades of U.S. hypocrisy and failed diplomacy in the Middle East have added fuel to the fire stoked by religious sectarian infighting, oppression and economic despair?" I don't even know what that means. Osama is angry because he has peanut butter in his hair. Why? It's the coating of Bamba Crisps, the most popular snack in Israel.
Write to your congressman and demand that we do what it takes to find bin Laden, even if it means torturing Bullwinkle. We're dealing with a squirrel that wants a PB & J sandwich – and the J is for Jihad.
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In the meantime, feel free to discuss these other controversial opinions among yourselves…
If an alien could spend his Saturday doing anything he wanted, he'd shoot some hoops. –Josh R., NY
Girls' breasts are made of Kraft dinner, and each contains a small child. –Shane
Yaks will one day rule the world from their mountaintops and force everyone to eat the yak's longtime nemesis, the armadillo. –Chris, OH
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