Tonight American Idol visits Birmingham, whence, as Seacrest reminds us at least 400,000 times, hail Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, and Talylor Hicks. BFD, I say.


First audition we see is Erica Skye, who is cute and blonde and curly-haired, and who is majoring in biological science (I think that's the same thing as biology? I don't know) at Auburn, with possible dreams of dentristry. So that, I assume, she may re-enact "Little Shop of Horrors" more realistically. Anyway, she's a much worse singer than even Steve Martin, and she sings "Unchained Melody," which for some reason everyone thinks is Simon's favorite song, even though it's obvious that Simon hates all music not included on "Sexy Back." It was so bad that Paula had to get up from her seat. Well, that's ostensibly why Paula got up. They tell her no, and as she leaves she brushes the dirt off her shoulder, which makes Randy guffaw and Simon ask what it means. Paula tells him that it means "fuck you", and Simon writes that tidbit down in his Notebook of  Stuff That Only Looks Cool When Black People Do It.


Then comes circus freak Katie Bernard, who could make a reasonable living as a voice actor for child characters. Her voice gets all high and squeaky and, like, weird when she's nervous or excited, and she admits that it sounds like a little girl, and that when she answers the phone, people think she's three. Okay, 1) that seems like a psychologically based problem and if I were her I would see a therapist. Girl got the shit molested out of her as a child. 2) Imagine what it must sound like when she has sex. Her husband is a pedophile. Her singing voice sounds like a grown-up, at least, as isn't half bad. It's not that good, but they let her go to Hollywood. Side note: today Paula is so high on life/crystal meth/fruit roll-ups that she literally cannot stay in her seat. She's like an unruly kindergardener. Who, if a cartoon character, would be voiced by Mrs. Bernard. It all comes full circle sometimes.


Tatiana McConnico is tiny and from the ATL and awesome. Diana Walker is large and from the ATL and not awesome, plus her boobs look really weird. And Seacrest made fun of her for being too fat to be a cheerleader. Sometimes I don't hate him that much.


Bernard Walker sings "Rock With You" so well that Randy mouths the lyrics along with him. Simon says he's "very good," but Paula thinks he's off-key, but you have to take that with a grain of salt. From the rim of the margerita glass she has stashed under the desk.


Then we get to the only part of the show that made any sense to me, when Margaret Fowler, who is nicknamed Big Bird by the producers (75% because of her impressive girth and flamboyant yellow feathered ensemble, 25% because it's a pun on her name. Maybe.), befuddles Simon so much that he voices the opinion that the majority of the nation has held for at least three years: "I've got no idea what this show is anymore." No shit. Margaret is a snappy dresser but a lousy singer, plus, as it turns out, she's 50. She looks good for her age, though. BBILF?


Jamie (or Janie, I couldn't understand her at all) Lynn Ward is cute. She has nice boobies. She doesn't really have a nice voice, but they let her go to Hollywood because her dad is paralyzed because he shot himself in the throat when he caught his wife cheating on him. Pfft, whatever, JL.Quit your bitching and get a vocal coach.


Last contestant of Day One is Chris Sligh, who looks sort of like Jack Osbourne while he was still fat, if he had poodle hair, but who sounds like Jack Black if Jack Black weren't always singing songs about kicking some girl in the cunt and shredding a bass. Chris's goal is to make the Hoff cry with the beauty of his song, and while he'll have to wait a while to accomplish that, he DID manage to cause Paula to roll around on the floor, convulsing from music-and-Cuervo-induced orgasms.


Come Day Two, Paula is unable to show up because of a "family obligation" (to witness the wedding of Uncle Frangelico to Tia Maria, ceremonies performed by Captain Morgan, reception to be held at Boone's Farm), so Randy and Simon have to make a bunch of people cry and say "thank you" by themselves.


One such person: Victoria Watson, whose hair is 6ft long, which I think is kind of gross. She has a pretty voice, but it's better suited to lullabyes than to blowing out my speakers, so the judges aren't impressed.


Other people who suck: Lakia Hill, who is cute, but sucks really really bad; Nichole of Team Nichole, who doesn't suck nearly as bad as they say; and Brandy Patterson, who is too stupid to know when they are making fun of her for sucking.


20 of the 11,000 made it to Hollywood. Tomorrow: Los Angeles. The next day: THE WORLD!