From the Desk of Matthew Q. Stevenson
Triumph Publishing Company
Children’s Book Department

January 31, 2007

Dear Tyra,

On behalf of the Triumph Publishing Company’s Children’s Department, it’s my pleasure to declare our adoration for Shake Ya Body:  The Story of Chesty Cathy.  You’ve really captured the essence of blossoming; the creative product is an inspiring, heart-felt tale about life, love, and reaching one’s personal goals despite cup size.  I have very few notes to offer your sure-to-be-instant classic.  I hope you find them worthwhile, but please do not allow them to hinder your creative prowess.

•    On page 2, when Cathy goes to school, I think you might consider adding further description about the size and magnitude of Cathy’s breasts.  “Chocolate mounds, like those mounds that pitchers throw from in a baseball game, poured out her black Victoria’s Secret Ipex bra and lifted her shirt, exposing her midriff” could really be expanded upon.  For instance, you might want to describe the size and shape of her nipples, and clarify whether they were sharp enough to pop school bus tires.

•    During the flashback sequence, when Cathy falls asleep and nearly asphyxiates under her weight of her enormous breasts, would it make more sense if her boobs were actually bigger in the past?

•    When Cathy and her friend Flat Fran are watching “America’s Next Top Model” and Cathy says “Tyra is so beautiful, what a wonderful supermodel – I wish I could be just like her in every way,” I felt abandoned, craving more detail. You could probably add information about when to view your talk show and possibly who upcoming guests will be.  Let me know what you think about this dialogue (my additions in italics):  “Tyra is so beautiful, what a wonderful supermodel who can be seen every weekday on “The Tyra Banks Show” – I wish I could be like her in every way.  I guess I can start by checking my local listings for airtimes and also //tyrashow.warnerbros.com.  Oh look, Clay Aiken is going to be on this Thursday and Tyra will be asking the question on everyone’s mind!”  I think this works pretty well so let me know but if I don’t hear back I’ll probably just run with this.

•    On page 14, Cathy and Fran discover makeup and travel on the mascara train to Beauty Town where they receive drastic full-body makeovers and a giant Tyra head floats in the sky, illuminating the universe with smoky eyes and cocoa skin and beautiful, voluminous hair.  As the deity of Beauty Town, Tyra-head offers them useful advice like “It’s not what’s on the outside honey, ya’ll are beautiful!” and “Vaseline is great as a moisturizer and make-up remover,” and “Tune-in to ‘America’s Next Top Model’ Cycle 8, coming soon to The CW.”  I just wanted to say this fantastical sequence is possibly the greatest breakthrough in literature since the creation of the Captain Underpants series of novels. 

•    On page 34, Myra Tanks performs an exorcism on Flat Fran to release the demons of the Netherworld that force her to give birth to tiny dinosaurs every fifteen minutes.  Just to clarify, this occurs at the same time that Cathy’s head shrinks and expands wildly while she speaks in tongues and orbits the moon in a Kenmore Pro Oven, right?  Regardless, there is a small typo here; it should be “The alternate dimension of battling samurai tacos is just on the opposite side of the portal,” not “PRAISE TO THEE MASTER SATAN.”

•    In the trip through the magic wardrobe, Cathy and Fran try on different sets of lingerie and bathing suits.  As this is the climactic sequence, you might want to include a mud wrestling fight or bubble bath or something. 

•    At the end of the book, when Chesty Cathy and Flat Fran become gorgeous models – equal in beauty though not in bra size – it might be useful to reaffirm their friendship in some way.  Perhaps, during the scene in which the two dance to your hit single “Shake Ya Body,” someone could try to freak Fran on the floor and then, shaking her body till its sore, Cathy pelts him in the face with one of her massive breasts.  Maybe the victim is one of their former classmates who once picked on Cathy, and everyone in the club could have a hearty chuckle of revenge while he dies from blood loss to his head wound. 

Tyra, thanks for this lovely tale about those tough tween years.  It’s true:  all people are beautiful, whether they’re skinny people with no breasts or skinny people with large breasts.  I hope to one day share this story with any potential man-beasts generated from my deformed sperm.

                                                            Yours,

                                                            Matthew Q. Stevenson