ADRIENNE, a reporter, stands in front of a CAMERMAN.


REPORTER
Hi. I'm Adrienne, reporteress extraordinaire, and today's story is this: There are over 150 Starbucks in Manhattan. Why does this particular 'Bucks emit a scent from its vent system very much like the scent of doody?

Shot of the STARBUCKS at ASTOR PLACE, by the "ventilation."

REPORTER
For our viewers at home who cannot smell this stench, do not feel left out. Just imagine taking a whiff of your bathroom, while someone you love is taking a big dump. Smells like embarrassment and betrayal, doesn't it. That's the way I feel every time I drink my sugary frappicino.

Reporter drinks a Starbucks coffee, while holding her nose.

REPORTER
At first I thought the stench might be coming from the bathroom, because we all know how awful Starbucks bathrooms can be:

The Reporter holds a PHOTO of a huge PILE OF ELEPHANT DUNG.

REPORTER
Doesn't do it justice.

The Reporter throws the photo away.

REPORTER
But then I discovered that the answer might be as simple as this:

The reporter walks over to a MAN CROUCHING on the sidewalk.

REPORTER
The Starbucks Corporation obviously pays this homeless man a small stipend to poop outside of this Starbucks daily, thereby marking his territory, and keeping away other homeless people. How much Mexican food do you eat in a fortnight?

The Man looks up – he's on his BLUETOOTH.

MAN
I'm on a call.

REPORTER
Wow, Starbucks must pay their homeless quite well for this homeless Joe to be able afford a Bluetooth.

MAN
I'm not homeless!

REPORTER
Then why are you crouching here? Doesn't the doody smell bother you?

MAN
You bother me.

REPORTER
My personality, or my smell?

The Man walks away. The Reporter SNIFFS her BUTT.

REPORTER
Hey, Cameraman? Can you make sure I'm…fresh?

The CAMERA angles down to the Reporters BUTT. The Cameraman gives a THUMBS UP.

REPORTER
So obviously not me. But story not solved. Time to delve deeper.

INSIDE THE STARBUCKS

The Reporter talks to a MANAGER.

REPORTER
I am here now with the manager of this stinky Starbucks.

MANAGER
If you'll follow me to the back, "nurturing room," all your questions will be answered.

REPORTER
Did you just say "nurturing room?"

MANAGER
I did.

REPORTER
Wow, you really do answer all my questions.

BACK STARBUCKS "NURTURING ROOM"


TINY CAGES line the room, floor to ceiling. Inside each cage is a COFFEE BEAN.

MANAGER
We're proud of our product here at Starbucks because we raise our coffee beans from birth, to their culmination of life, or as some Debbie-Downers like to call that, death.

REPORTER
Are we sill talking about the doody smell?

MANAGER
Of course! You see, at a very young age our coffee beans are separated from their mother plants, given passports and shipped here to NYC.

REPORTER
Uhh…Why do you give coffee beans passports?

MANAGER
Because Starbucks brings their coffee to life.

REPORTER
Like life, as in its bold flavor?

MANAGER
No. Like as in our beans are alive! Our coffee bean specialists feed our coffee beans…

SHOT of a cage with a coffee bean and a BIG SALAD.

MANAGER
…nurture our coffee beans…

SHOT of a WORKER reading a PICTURE BOOK to a coffee bean.

MANAGER
…and love our coffee beans:

SHOT of a worker and a coffee bean in BED, POST SEX.

MANAGER
Then when our coffee beans are ready to be brewed, we give each and every tiny one a giant enema, to prevent you, our consumer from eating their feces. And that is why, outside this Manhattan Starbucks, it stinks. Now watch:

The Manager puts on a rubber glove, takes a coffee bean, sticks his FINGER in the bean's center: VOILA! A black poop appears in the manager's hand.

REPORTER
Aww! That is so cute. And stinky.

The Manager tosses the coffee bean into a COFFEE GRINDER.

REPORTER
There you have it: Every other coffee besides Starbucks has coffee doody in it. – So can I make the coffee poop now?

REPORTER
Hooray!

MANAGER
Now throw that bean in the grinder for cremation.

REPORTER
DOUBLE HOORAY! WOW. Are you accepting applications? I want to work here!
The End