Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Issue One Hundred and Seventeen
July 16, 2009
I like to say, "You only live once." Not because I'm adventurous, but because I like pissing off Buddhists.
Copernicus Is Your Annoying Mother
"You know, the world doesn't revolve around you."
My cell phone is anti-Semitic. A Jewish friend called and it said "Restricted."
I can spell "boobless" on
One Hundred Ways to Please Your Man
Suck his dick one hundred times.
I once thought I was going blind from over-masturbation because I went to a 3D movie and forgot to wear the glasses. I guess I must have been too busy masturbating to realize I'd forgotten to put them on.
If you don't remember doing drugs, you either haven't done drugs, or you've done a lot of drugs.
Learning to ride a bike is like a woman's cleavage. Sorry, I got distracted by the idea of biking.
Why is it the only thing eye lashes don't keep out of my eyes are other eye lashes?
Something tells me that if you think it's a good idea to click on an online "IQ Test" banner, you're not going to be happy with your score.
Telling a server to leave your tab open does not mean you're an alcoholic. Unless the server is a stewardess.
Its a good thing I cry myself to sleep, because then my girlfriend doesn't notice when I pee the bed.
Would Superman be able to kill himself if he were depressed enough?
Time When Letting A Resume Typo Stand Might Be A Marginally Better Idea
"No, I wasn't fired for never mind, that's true: I
fired for incontinence."
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