This week's column is dedicated to Hollywood's top investigative journalists, who aren't afraid to tackle the big issues and bring us the news.  For instance, this young man. (Celebslam)

The big story this week was US Weekly's release of never before seen footage of Michael Jackson's hair catching fire during a Pepsi shoot in 1984.  They claim this incident, and therefore Pepsi, is what eventually killed MJ.  I mean, duh!  Do you even know how much sugar is in that stuff?  Gross! (Celebslam)

Some Playboy Playmate posed for pictures in a lettuce bikini (?) or something this week but who cares, what I find hilarious is the 'RESPECT' tattoo right above her vagina.  You're doing it wrong! (WWTDD)

Did you guys watch Pushing Diasies?  No?  Oh.  Did you see Land of the Lost?  No?  Hmm.  Well then I guess no wonder the star of both posed topless for Vanity Fair this week. (IDLYITW)

Surprise surprise, the new Harry Potter movie made bank this week.  Audiences were 99% crazy tween fans and 1% creepy dudes hoping to see more of this.  99% of moviegoers were not disappointed. (WWTDD, Egotastic)

You know what's a good idea?  Head-to-toe spandex.  No, not you, Philip Seymour Hoffman.  I'm talking to Kim Kardashian.  Maybe next time, though. (HT)

Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson this week, and many are blaming her ever-present father, who at one point even attempted to give Tony football tips.  I, on the other hand, blame Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous. (IDLYITW, Celebslam, HT)

This week, OC star Mischa Barton was put on involuntarily psychiatric hold by the LAPD after having a 'freak-out' and calling police.  Yikes, this is getting too serious.  Where's Seth Cohen when you need him?? (WWTDD)

Man, is there anything better than sideboob?  Oh yeah, actual boob.  Oh well.  Enjoy Miranda Kerr's anyway. (Egotastic)

This week, Hugh Hefner rejected Partridge Family star Shirley Jones' photoshoot for Playboy, saying he thought there'd 'be more nudity.'  I mean, the woman is 75.  At that age, no nudity is good nudity. (Celebslam)

Sorry 'photographer' from the beginning of this column, but Beyonce has banned all behind shots from her tour because her ass sweats too much.  See Streeter?  I told you you're not the only one.  (Celebslam)

In a new book coming out this week, David Beckham explains that he named his son Cruz after a-little-too-good friend Tom Cruise.   He's also named his balls Katie Holmes and Edward.  Not sure about the latter. (Celebslam)

Speaking of Cruzes, move over Penelope, there's a new Cruz in town.  It's your sister!  So I guess not really that new.  Either way, she's hot. (Derekhail)

Cleave of the week!  This week's Cleave was so good, that even Perry Reeves from Entourage couldn't help admiring it.  Nice work, Emmanuelle Chriqui! (HT, Popoholic)

This week, Lauren Conrad from The Hills added ''best-selling' 'author'' to her resume, right behind 'actress' and ''fashion' 'designer''.  There almost aren't enough quotes in the world to sum up her career. (Celebslam)

And last but not least, this week's Still Got It!  Nick Hogan's horrifying parachute shorts get him an honorary mention, but ultimately Christian Bale's drastic weight loss wins him the top spot.  Congrats Christian!  Try not to freak out on this set, you might break yourself in half. (Celebslam, WWTDD)