Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A Freshman Pictures His Last High School Party
July 23, 2009
Roll-over for reality.
I spot Tracey Sommers across the room. We lock eyes and approach each other, probably in slo-mo.
I spot Tracey Sommers across the room. I yell her named loudly to get her attention. My voice cracks.
Hey Brian! Good to see you!
Hey Brett? Did I invite you?
You too. Sorry I'm late.
You did not. I found an invite in the trash.
I still can't believe you got Third Eye Blind to play my party.
Weren't you the guy who said he could get Third Eye Blind to play my party?
Yeah, they're old friends of my uncle. Excuse me for one second.
Yeah, my uncle is a lying sack of shit. Excuse me for one second.
I go onstage to play lead guitar for "Jumper". I finish with a sweet guitar solo and flawless back-flip.
I feel sick and try to casually walk away. I trip over Tracey's glass coffee table, destroying it and her stereo.
That was amazing!
That- that looked really painful.
It's nothing. Just something I picked up during the six weeks of guitar lessons I got for my 17th birthday.
I think I need to go to the hospital.
Tom, Tracey's ex-boyfriend, enters.
Tom, Tracey's boyfriend, enters.
Oh man, I'm sorry I made that up horrible nickname for you. You're actually a pretty cool guy.
Oh man, period-face totally ate it.
Agreed. Also, since all your acne cleared up last week, you look a lot like that guy from Dawson's Creek.
Shit, the cops are here.
"Semi-Charmed Kind Life" plays in the background. Tracey and I make out, with tongue.
The destroyed stereo plays nothing. Tracey and Tom flee the premises.
Let's have lots of no-strings-attached sex before we leave for college.
You're spending the summer indoors.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.