In the Office.

NANCY BITES her NAILS while holding COLLATED PAPERS. She puts the papers on DRAKE'S DESK. A STRING OF DROOL, from Nancy's mouth/fingers leaves a mark on the paper.


DRAKE
Is this drool?

NANCY
…Yes? Sorry…

Drake sifts through the pile "

DRAKE
It's everywhere! And is this blood!?

NANCY
I'm addicted to biting my finger nails.

DRAKE
That's not an addiction.

NANCY
Biting nails is just as addicting as anything else. Except it's so much crunchier and harder and more delicious than anything else….

Nancy bites her nails hard.


DRAKE
Stop!

NANCY
I can't! Nail polish, brain washing, toxic glue on my nails " nothing works. Remember I had to get my stomach pumped last fall after I held up that Mexican restaurant?

DRAKE
Oh yeah…

NANCY
At least you got to go to AA when your drinking problem got out of hand. I have nowhere to turn!

BOSS calls Nancy over.


BOSS
Nancy! Come practice shaking my hand " I want to make sure I have a firm grip for my next meeting.

Nancy, fingers in mouth, walks over to boss, grasps his hand with her SALIVA COVERED FINGERS.


BOSS
Huh, squishy.

DRAKE
Noooooooo! It's so awful! Is there no one in this world that can help her overcome her weird addiction??

Drake has his hand in Nancy's saliva. His hand GLOWS.


DRAKE
What's going on!?

Drake's entire body GLOWS. His T-SHIRT changes to spell out the letters: WAM

DRAKE
(re: shirt)
W-A-M? What the F!?

A DORK from the office runs over to Drake.


DORK
I know! I know! I saw the whole thing! Nancy's spit has turned you into WAM – "Weird Addiction Man." Let me be the first to congratulate you on your new superhero status.

Dork makes weird alien NOISES and does a little DANCE.

DRAKE
NO way dork. One: there is no way Nancy's spit gave me super powers, or is in any way super. And two: W-A-M could stand for anything! "White Asshole Masturbating, which was my nickname is high school," or "Worcester Art Museum," because yes, I frequent the Worcester Art Museum.

DORK
Duh, but you just wished for there to be someone to help Nancy and her weird addiction. That person must be you! It fits perfectly with dork-ogic, which is a pending Webster Dictionary approved word combination of dork and logic.

DRAKE
Well…I do feel as though I suddenly can fly…

Drake is LEVITATING.

DORK
Because you are flying!

Drake pulls out a SANDWICH from behind him.


DRAKE
Holy crap! I can even make anything I want appear! This super power totally rules. And even if other people copy my superpowers in the future, I will always be the original criemfighter of weird addictions, afflictions and sexual perversions.

DORK
And I lowly and powerless dork, am so jealous.

Dork runs to Nancy, puts his hand in her mouth: nothing.


DORK
(to the heavens)
Why not me, Justice League! Why not me

NANCY
So Drake, I mean WAM Man " do you really think you can get me to stop biting my nails?

DRAKE
Hmm….you know! An idea just popped into my superhero mind. Of course I can! Hold out your hands, and close your eyes…

Nancy holds out her hands, closes her eyes. Drake pulls out a KNIFE. He CUTS OFF Nancy's HANDS. SHE SCREAMS and BLEEDS PROFUSELY.


DRAKE
You'll never bite your finger nails again!

NANCY
Oh dear God no!!! Why?? Why would you do this to me!!!

Drake takes out two new HANDS from behind his back.


DRAKE
Just kidding! Here are two new hands. Hopefully I've scared you straight into never biting your nails again.

Drake hands Nancy the hands. She obviously drops them.

DRAKE (CONT'D)
Now I'm off to save the world from their weird addictions. And seriously Nancy, you better not bite your nails anymore – that was fucking disgusting.

Before Drake can walk off…

NANCY
A little help!?

Drake turns to see Nancy standing in a pool of her own blood and hands.


DRAKE
Oh! Right….Onward – to the hospital!

END