Blowing through the jasmine in your mind.

Loser: "I'm into Nickelback."
Mega-loser: "I was into Nickelback before they were cool."

Worst/Best Newspaper Headline
Ex-con Pledges to Make Rape History
"Haley, There's no easy way to tell you this. You were an accident."
"You told me I was adopted."
"It was a very big accident."
Times Not To Knock On Wood
"I hope the serial killer doesn't know I'm in the closet!"
A Viking Gets Soap In His Eye During His War Cry
Yyyeeaaaaaaaaiiiieeeerrrggghhhh!!!
My Grandfather Writes the SATs
An American male and an old Asian woman start a trip from Houston to Dallas at the same time. Joe is doing a steady 5 miles above the speed limit, while Li-Xing or whatever is doing 1/3 of that. How much shorter will Joe's trip be, if Li-Xing makes it at all?
Daniel Pearl's Wife in 2000
Wife: I wish to be played by Angelina Jolie in a movie.
Evil genie: Your wish is my command! MUAHAHAA!
Wife: Awesome, my girlfriends are going to be so jealous.
If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn't need it, and if she doesn't make you wear one you probably should have worn two. Life is full of irony. And sex disease.
Chart Topping Chemistry Majors
Kanye West's Au Digger
Black Sabbath's Fe Man
The Beatles' Maxwell's Ag Hammer
Nirvana's Li
The best part about using the shower is that you never have to wipe.
You know what's worse than the freshman 15? The freshman 9 pounds, 12 ounces.