*Note: In my effort to prove to the college humor people that I am worthy, here's a sample Jake and Amir Sketch because those guys are the shiznit-arino.  And OK, yes, I did write myself into it…butttt a girl's gotta dream!

AMIR walks into the office purposefully ignoring ADRIENNE. Amir sits across from JAKE.


JAKE
So the new girl started today.

AMIR
What new girl?

JAKE
The one your team hired Monday.

AMIR
Huh. What project's she working on again?

JAKE
Huh. Shouldn't you know that since it's your team?

AMIR
You must be confusing me with the other Amir…

JAKE
Ugh. There is no other Amir " Remember you said you got her hired because she was hot and you wanted to do inappropriate things to her?

AMIR
Ughh to you. That sounds like something you would say…so I would say similar things to agree with you, but not really mean them.

JAKE
I said she was pretty, which is not what you said.

Amir turns around to see Adrienne –
AMIR
What's that smell? Fresh meat! I'm gunna take me a bite out of that hot ass! Rarrr!

JAKE
Right. That's what you said.

AMIR
Only because you said it first. Up top!

Amir puts his hand up for a high five. Jake doesn't react. Instead Adrienne runs over and high fives Amir.
ADRIENNE
Woo! I'm the fresh meat! Hahaha.

AMIR
Wow, I don't even care that you were listening in on our private conversation, but how dare you steal Jake's high five??

ADRIENNE
Oh! I didn't mean to… It just looked like Jake wasn't going to give you a high five back.

AMIR
Ummm, Jake was too going to high five me. Duh.

JAKE
No I wasn't.

Amir puts his hand up for a high five. Adrienne slaps it.

AMIR
Stop doing that!

ADRIENNE
Your hand just looks so sad all by itself.

AMIR
Don't judge me! Away!

Adrienne walks away sadly.
JAKE
(whispers)
Wow. Way to be a complete douche to New Girl.

AMIR
(loud)
Well she was a bigger douche to me.

JAKE
I don't think she was. I think she likes you.

AMIR
What? Eww.

JAKE
Eww? Are you 10? You don't Eww hot, new girl.

AMIR
So you're into her?

JAKE
No. She's into you.

AMIR
Eww.

JAKE
Stop with the Eww! Be nice.

AMIR
Nice like take her to lunch, or nice like tap that fine ass?

JAKE
Definitely not the second thing you said.

AMIR
Definitely the second thing I said? Then ahha! It was my plan all along to tap that fine ass. I was a douche to her on purpose, as I am to you, because that's how love happens.

JAKE
That's how suicide happens.

AMIR
You're just jealous that I'm going to have pussy all over my face before lunchtime, and you'll still be sitting here with a mouthful of your own pathetic saliva. Unless you want to come.

JAKE
No. That is so gross.

AMIR
New girl's into it.

Amir puts up his hand for another high five.

JAKE
No she's not.

ADRIENNE
I am!

With his high five hand still in the air, Amir turns to an eager Adrienne.

AMIR
Bitch! What did I say about listening to our private conversations!?

ADRIENNE
You said you don't care as long as I don't steal Jake's high five…which I didn't.

AMIR
Damnit, you're right! Jake, we need to figure out a way to sound proof our desks before –

JAKE
Focus Amir! She just agreed to hook up with you! Go get some pre-lunch pussy.

AMIR
Holy beJesus, you're right. Can I call it brunch pussy?

JAKE
It's not the weekend.

AMIR
It is now. Soo… Do you want to come with me?

Amir stands, puts out a HIGH FIVE for Jake.

JAKE
No.

Amir HIGH FIVES his own hand…then runs out the door.

AMIR
I need HR!!!

End