EXCITING NEWS! I woke up this morning and realized that I'm good at things. Lots of them. How good? Probably not the best, but clearly better than you. What kinds of things? Excellent question:

1) Ordering sandwiches at Subway – See, when you walk up to the counter at Subway, you get all panicky. You're trying to read the entire menu in less than 10 seconds, even though you'll end up getting the same thing you get every other time you go there. Once you've finally ordered your sandwich, the sandwich princess throws you a curveball question like, "Do you want that toasted?" and you pretty much fall to pieces right there on the spot.

Now, when I order sandwiches at Subway, it's off the hook. I'm throwing punches and spin kicks like Steven Seagal, and sometimes I'll be boning four chicks (AT THE SAME TIME!) while ordering my six-inch tuna on white. Soooo…yeah. I'm a little bit better than you are at this, aren't I?

2) Reppin' it for America – Hypothetical situation: You and I are at a baseball game. The game is getting ready to start, and you place your hand over your heart and hum along while some 14-year-old girl is singing.

That's kind of patriotic…if you hate America, that is.

Then there's me. About half-way through the song, I pop my shirt off to reveal a picture of a bald eagle carrying an American flag in its mouth and giving Bin Laden an atomic wedgie painted perfectly across my chest. Then, without warning, I pull out a crap-ton of illegal fireworks that I bought from this guy named Dave who operates a traveling cheese curd cart at the State Fair every year. I start setting those off into the sky, and everyone stops humming along with the music and begins crying red, white and blue tears because of the patriotic hotness exploding in front of them.

Then, I fly up to the moon and kick the sh*t out of Nuclear Man and re-plant the American flag in the ground.

That's about the most accurate representation of how much better I am at reppin' it for America than you are that I can come up with off the top of my head. You get the idea.

3) Writing checks
– When you write checks, you probably fill in the date, who the check is for, the amount and a signature. Fucking weak.

When I write checks, I bust out some hot calligraphy and get medieval on that bitch. Then after that, I cut a small slit in my chest, and sign the check in my own chest-blood. Finally, I bronze the entire check and save it for 25 years so that I can pass it down to my children's children as a reminder of how much better I am at writing checks than they will ever be.