Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
5 Literal Movie Posters
July 27, 2009
Int: Showgirls Strip Club. A sexy cowgirl finishes her lasso routine.
DJ: All right, fellas, give one last yippee-kai-yay to Veronica!
DJ: Next up we have . we have
oh no, oh jesus god no, not again
ahem, I said, next up we have the slim and sexy Cassandra!
(screams, gagging noises)
DJ:Cassandra is 20 years old and her hobbies include being the only one-legged, no-armed stripper at Showgirls. She's all woman, folks. Well actually, she's like thirty-five percent of a woman, but what parts of her the sharks didn't take off are still are still
please, I don't want to read this
Customer 1: I think I'm going to throw up.
Customer 2: You just threw up!
Customer 1: I think I'm going to throw up forever.
An Inconvenient Truth:
Int: Hurricane Factory Control Room
Al Gore: It's over, Von Cyclone! I'm shutting down your sinister Hurricane Factory!
Dr. Von Cyclone: Nein! Gore is too close to ze Master Hurricane Control Switch! My Minions! Zephyr! Squall! Seize him!
The minions charge towards Al Gore, who strikes a karate pose.
Master Fu (voiceover): Believe in your training, Gore-san. Draw strength from the earth spirit in each of us.
Al Gore: Arigato, Master Fu. Hi-yah!
Al Gore kicks Zephyr unconscious, and punches Squall in the throat. Squall stumbles back into the Master Hurricane Control Switch, and is electrocuted.
Al Gore: What a . shocking development.
Dr. Von Cyclone: Curse you, Handsomest Living Vice President! You may have shut down my Hurricane Factory, but I still have my Forest Fire Refinery! Ha ha ha, away!
Man: Honey, I'm home!
Woman: Alfred, I'm leaving you. I'm taking the kids and we're moving out of this godawful city.
Man: What? Why?
Woman opens window.
Man: Oh, right.
Int: The Oval Office
Aide: Mr. President, we have a situation. It's about the Giant Nicolas Cage Head orbiting our planet.
President: Yes, the
. What's its status?
Aide: It crashed into New York City two minutes ago.
President dramatically removes glasses.
President: My god. Are you sure it was the same Giant Nicolas Cage Head?
Aide: Yes, sir. It had the same puzzled-yet-determined expression, just like Nicolas Cage had in
The Wicker Man
President: Puzzled-yet-determined? I thought it was more sorrowful-yet-stoic. Like in
was confused-yet-furious. You're thinking of
National Treasure 2
President: No, he was totally sorrowful-yet-stoic in
. He totally was.
Aide: Sir, I don't know, he kind of has the same expression in all of them.
President: No way! No way did you just say that about one of our most versatile living actors! Guards! To the dungeons with him!
Requiem For A Dream:
Woman: Sometimes I just come out here to think. I leave work and my family and all that stress behind and I just come out here. It's so peaceful, you know? There's the seagulls, and the water, and the sound of the surf and the big blue sky. And there's you, of course.
Giant Floating Eye Monster: Enough, Tiny Woman! Bring More Child Skulls To Please King Eye-Gor!
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.