It's cool. We were invited.
Every walk is a "Walk of Shame" if you're fat enough.
Two words that can get you fired the quickest in a Sports Illustrated for Kids pitch meetingSwimsuit Issue
I don't understand why people choose their candles so carefully. They all taste the same to me.
My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It's so weird not having my real ladder around anymore.
If every cigarette I smoke takes minutes off my life, I should start getting up earlier.
VirginityThe ultimate out of body experience.
Non-rhetorical Gameshow TitleBy watching "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" aren't you already answering their question?
I love theme parties. My favorite? Cowboys and Prostitutes.
I used to think I was really into the Civil War, turns out I'm just really into moustaches.
If masturbating is a crime, then put me away for life. Wait it isn't a crime? Oh. Then put me in the Guinness Book of World Records probably.
If a person with amnesia wrote a memoir, would it be put in the "Fiction" section?
YMCAYMCA stands for "Young Men's Christian Association," which I think is a really flawed title for that place: You don't need to be young to go there, you don't need to be a man to go there, and if you're not Christian who cares about you in the first place?
I was dating a girl for 3 months. She never knew I drank until one night I came home sober.
If you get head from a blow up doll, do they call it infellatio?
I like to scare deaf people by yawning.
I got a fortune cookie at this Irish pub and it said, "this is weird."