Tonight we find about a million more Hollywood Hopefuls in
Hollywood! Working as waiters or whatever. Also joining our three favorite judges is Olivia Newton-John (of "Grease" and "Let's Get Physical" fame, in case you totally missed the 80s), who is pretty much the sweetest Australian since that one kangaroo mouse from "Rescuers: Down Under."
The first auditioner is one Martik Manoukia, who is also, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, I haven't really decided yet) the only truly crazy person to appear in this episode. His stage handle sounds like "eccentric," but I prefer to spell it "Xsentrik" because I'm sure that's how he spells it. Phonetically. At any rate, he does a sweet panther impression, and he calls himself "the most exciting entertainer on planet Earth," and he's all Hispanic with black person braids, and, like, wearing a jersey and a sweatband and shit, so I figured he must be awesome until he tried to sing, and then I realized that he actually sucks. Oh well. At least the producers added some sweet "throwing" sound effects when he took his clothes off for the judges.
Sholandric Stallworth is a black man who claims to put the "romantic" back in "romantic love songs," so I was hoping he'd sound exactly like Issac Hayes, and that South Park would have finally been able to resurrect Chef, but alas, he sings a love song as if they were a military march. Which I guess might be romantic, if you're a lonely soldier stranded in the desert somewhere. His horrible audition leads Randy to mimick Simon's sentiments from Birmingham and wonder, "What's goin' on with this show?" Hmm
ratings. Ratings are what's going on, my Journey-bassing friend.
Next we are treated with a short Montage of Sucktitude, which is actually kind of amusing, as it contains only an Asian girl, a girl wearing one of those cowboy costumes with a fake horse at the waist, and a dude with maracas, dressed in a banana suit, who sings "Peanut Butter Jelly Time." That shit is b-a-n-a-n-a-s.
Marianna Riccio's mom used to be "one of Dean Martin's Gold-Diggers." I'm not sure if that's an official title, or just means that her mom was a tramp, but in either case, Marianna feels entitled to a singing career. She will not get one, because, despite her kicky suede belly vest, she "sounded like Cher after she's been to the dentist" (Randy). Randy once again showcases his math talents with a vote of "1000% no" and is immediately shown up by Simon, who votes a paltry yet mathematically feasible "100% no." Marianna's imminent rejection causes her to drop to her knees and beg, and eventually to bring her mom into the room, only to be rejected again. P.S. Her mom is really hot. Hot enough for Simon and Randy to comment on their raging boners, at least. So, you know, really hot.
After a short montage of lots more girls begging to be given another chance to suck some more (dick), we finally get to Alaina Alexander, who, if she doesn't make it on AI, will give up her dream of being a music superstar, buckle down, and actually go to school. That would totally suck. I sure hope she makes it on. Who wants to learn to read? Luckily for her, she's not only good looking, but also a pretty good singer, and Simon totally wants her hot bod, so she doesn't have to go to school after all. Yay!
Phuong Pham (I think she's the girl Simon called "Ping Pong" in a previous montage) thinks she's the female Taylor Hicks, an hypothesis based mostly on the fact that neither of them have had any professional training. I'm not sure why you'd want to model yourself after an old man whom I hate, but whatever. She's a pretty bad singer, and her rejection is all the more stinging because her mom has apparently been telling her that she's neither talented nor pretty enough to pursue a career in the entertainment industry. Which is true. But still, nobody wants to hear that from her mommy. Mrs. Pham is a bitch, albeit realistic. I'd respect her if I wasn't sure she's a horrible driver.
Time for someone good: Brandon Rogers. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was in, because he's black and hot and I totally want to jump his bones. As do, apparently, Paula and ONJ, who exhaled a simultaneous (and extremely audible) post-orgams breath when he'd finished singing "Always On My Mind." I bet he's going to be on their minds for a while
while they masturbate! Hey-o!
Brandon Miller is cute, but forgettable, but gets to stay in Hollywood (I assume they're exiled if they don't make it on Idol. Erroneously.)
Okay, so Paula's not that drunk today. She is, however, a woman, and when Sherman Hoar shows up with his petition (signed by 300-odd people) to let him be on the show, because it was his cancer-riddled "lady"'s dying wish, Paula loses it. I almost did, too, because the guy has to be pushing 70, and even though you have to sort of expect to lose your friends and family to the icy grip of death at the point in your life, he still sings "You Belong to Me" really sweetly, and his "lady" died two fucking days before the audition, so really I'm impressed that he could keep his voice steady. Then again, he is a man, and therefore not weak like me and Paula, so I guess I shouldn't be too excited about it.
Eric Mueller talks a lot of talk about being old-looking and totally super great, or whatever, but he sounds remarkably like Alvin of "and the Chimpunks" when he sings. Humorously, after he is rejected, it is "discovered" by Simon that his self-taught singing expertise was inspired by Randy and Paula's joint instructional video. Simon gets a kick out of this, but R&P seem less amused. I wonder why. (Video exerpt: Randy: "Okay, so Dog, like, you need to stop being so pitchy, y'know? Good lookin' out, though, Dog." Paula: *pours out an entire 5th of Jameson into her glass of Diet Coke*)