So, you decided to trust Steve when he told you the party had four kegs, when really it's a BYOB.  Now it's 11:15, you're stone-cold sober, and you can't run out to the store without risking missing out on the cute redhead who's been drinking cosmo's out of a thermos all night. Looks like you have no option but to steal something from the fridge. There's a slew of choices, but remember: someone owns every one of those beers,and they probably won't be willing to donate to the "I'm too sober to ask Thermos Girl what she tastes like" fund.

It's your decision, friend. Choose Wisely.






1. German Weisbrau: A perfectly crafted wheat beer brewed with loving care and a strict adherence to the German purity laws of 1563. Unfortunately, this particular brew was brought here by the captain of the varsity rugby team. So go ahead, snipe one, provided you don't mind him dragging you into a filthy alley and making you his fraulein.






Best chance of Success: Steal one of them and give it to Steve. Once the Rugby Captain notices, he'll start rearranging Steve's face, giving you the chance to look like a hero for breaking up a fight.






2. Homemade "Chocolate Blackberry Pilsner": This classic belongs to the guy who went to Belgium for two weeks, drank a lot of Trappist Dubbels, and came home thinking he could make his own. Feel free to steal one, the brewer won't notice. Of course, that's most likely because he's gone blind from drinking something he made in a shoe. But you're fine; how can you go wrong with a concoction that's been brewed in a closet, distilled with amoxicillin, and then fermented in a 2-litre bottle of mountain dew?

Best Chance of Success: Casually spritz someone with the homemade festerbrew. Once their skin starts blistering, go and impress the redheaded girl with your First Aid Skills.





3. 24-pack of lukewarm light beer: Well, I guess it's a viable option. Keep in mind, only two people would have brought that beer to this party: A. the kid who wants to buy your time with Natty Ice, or B. The behemoth who's planning on using each and every one of those beers to wash down the Turducken he ate for dinner. Pray it's the former.




Best chance of success: Take 4. Give 2 to Steve, making him take the bullet for either the hour-long talk about Hoobastank or the minute-long lung collapsing, depending on whose beer it is.







4. Eggs: Eggs will not get you drunk.






Best Chance of Success: Do not use eggs.







5. Hard Lemonade: Are you sober enough to argue merits of malt beverages or drunk enough to not give a damn when people start humming "Barbie Girl" whenever you walk by? Either way, maybe let the hard lemonade go- neither one gets the redhead's lips off the thermos and onto you. Also, beware Becky, the PR major who is inevitably defending her cache with the ferocity of a startled mother bear.





Best Chance of Success:
Tell Becky that the Rugby Captain said she was hot. When she runs off, offer to refill redheaded girl's thermos with the stolen lemonade. Then compliment her blouse.












6. Yuengling: Yuengling is the single most perfect drink that has ever been made. It is cheap, delicious, and that six pack belongs to me. So if you touch it, I'll cave in your windpipe.





Best Chance of Success: Go ahead and try to steal one.  I will gladly make sweet love to thermos girl on your corpse.