Proximity to Princeton, New Jersey

Number of Princeton Alumni on Faculty

Number of Princeton Alumni for Whom It Was Beneath Them to Be on Faculty

Most Princeton Pride

Most Princeton Envy

Campus Smells Most "Princeton Fresh"

Administration Runs Smoothly, in a Manner that Might, if One Were Being Quite Generous, Remind One of the Excellence and Dignity with Which All Princeton Employees, Students, and Alumni Comport Themselves Each and Every Day

Most Obviously Trying to Be Like Princeton That It's Just Embarrassing

"Dorms" Most Pathetic Compared to Princeton's On-Campus Palaces of Leisure and Remove

American Universities Other Than Princeton Where Albert Motherf*@king Einstein Was a Professor (Oh, Wait, There Are None)

Most Harvard-y/Laughable yet Sad

Most Yale-ish/Silly and Pitiable

We're Afraid We've Never Heard of These Colleges, But We're Sure They're Very Nice

Places You Can Really Just Hitch a F*@king Ride To if You Can't Cut It at Princeton

Most Poor