In the event that I actually graduate, I thought it would be a good idea to start putting together resumes in order to get a real job. I really do not want a real job, but I will have to pay rent some how, and considering I would be the worst stripper ever, a real job it will have to be. As I try to put the last five years of my life into something that sounds like I am hard working and intelligent, I realize how much of my resume is a bunch of hot air, bologna if you will. In light of this, I present the resume that we would all like to write, if it would not jeopredize our futures.





 JMach "Lush" Netzel
The House on that street next to that one bar
Mil-Town, WI




Objective: Pay rent, buy beer, pay school library fine, and maybe buy a new pair of Pumas

Education: History Major, maybe, possibly education, or LGBT Studies. No, Art History, yeah, that sounds right
 Projected Graduation date: 2007, 2008 if I do not pass chemistry
Education Goals:
1. Go to class
 2. Not to start studying for exams two days before said exam
3. Get that Red-head's number in Bowling class because she                                 is also in Chemistry class and lord knows I suck at chemistry





Experience:
Student Union
Desk Worker
Responsibilities: Hand out bowling shoes and give guests and prospective students directions to the bathrooms (Down the hall, 3rd door on your left)

Crappy Pizza Place
Hired as a cook, but only got to wash dishes
Responsibilities: Wash dishes, eat green olives, keep in mind you can not sue a boss for being creepy in a non-sexual way

Awards/ Honors/ Memberships:
Ms. Hot Lips 2004
30.23 Second Keg Stand
Personal Pint Glass at Firelite
I totally hit that shit last Friday
Joined some club about saving the Earth, but quit because it was lame
Not Pregnant

Skills
Bakes a mean potato
Broken Robot and Running Man
Familiar with Microsoft Applications
Can use sexuality as a weapon, but I prefer not to
Familiar with The Pythagorean Theorem and it's 72 proofs

References:
Jenny Jay
BFF
Bartender
Forgot to pay her cell phone bill, so call her at work

Whitney
Best roommate ever
Desk Worker and Pimp
You'll know where to find him ladies