This episode starts off with all the girls discussing Luke's body. They eventually end up trying to guess how many fat rolls he has like one of those "guess how many jelly-beans are in the jar" competitions where, if you win, you get all the jelly-beans. It was some stiff competition. Then Kristian starts talking about how she wants to pour barbeque sauce on him and eat him (why do they make it so easy?!). The impressive thing about this is that she says it all while chugging a bottle of maple syrup.

She also goes on to talk about how a man she's known for roughly 3 days is the most perfect person ever and will kill a bitch to get him if she has to. She then goes on to show off her encyclopedic knowledge of everything Luke except maybe his parents' mailing address. Way to challenge that "crazy fat girl" stereotype, Kristian. We're really breaking some barriers here.

Then Luke comes down and gives them a speech about how he has so much in common with them because he was left out of everything in high school because of his weight (besides football and pretty much everything else except going to the pool without a shirt on). Anyway he tells them he wants to take them all to Prom. Good thing they have those reinforced limos. This is going to be so much better than their first Proms because now they know there will be at least one guy that might want to dance with them.

They all try on dresses and say a bunch of annoying things, then they go get their hair and make-up done and say a bunch more annoying things about how their first proms weren't so great. Listening to girls talk about Prom is pretty much like listening to guys talk about their fantasy sports teams.

So Kristian starts saying something about how she drafted Tom Brady with the first pick last year and all the other girls showed her the proper sympathy. Lauren says something about her kicker getting injured and blames it on her weight. Nobody really cares.

At this point, you may be thinking "WHERE IS MELISSA AND WHY IS SHE NOT CRYING?!" Don't worry, I am too. I'm pretty sure they just decided to cut the show into 1/2 without Melissa and 1/2 of her crying. I am looking forward to a straight half hour block of watching that bitch bawl.

So anyway they all help each other put on dresses and talk about how much they love Luke and how accepting (read: desperate) he is. Then they all go down and where Luke is waiting and he talks about how beautiful they all are. In his defense he may have just been talking about Tali, because she actually looked pretty good. She better go home tonight. This show is no place for sex appeal.


And here come the waterworks. Wait, is Melissa wearing the same clothes she was crying in last episode? I smell some editing shenanigans, either way, keep those tears a-flowin!


BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, their limo is literally a fucking semi!

Anyway they get to prom, and just like every prom, it's boring as hell. Everybody talks about fantasy football for a while, while some band with a bunch of skinny (WTF!?) bitches plays. The only interesting thing was Melissa actually gets through a dance and an interview without breaking down in tears. Good for her, I guess.


Then the host lady comes on and surprises Luke by bringing two of (read: only) his friends from college in to make the night sufficiently awkward. Then she announces that there will be a competition for Prom Queen, picked by his friends, to make the night more than sufficiently awkward. The winner gets an alone date with Luke.

So the friends start getting to know the ladies whether they like it or not. The white one with the goatee seems like a complete tool and the black one doesn't really talk much. Which really surprises me from a black man surrounded by fat white women. Breaking down barriers, breaking down barriers.

Anyway, Danielle bores them for a long time, then the rest of them bore them for a while. In the end the end up picking Danielle because either they're morons or they really just don't care. I'm guessing the latter. Everybody including Luke, is shocked because nobody, including Luke, likes Danielle. At all. She is later asked what her dream date would be. She responds "something active." Obviously she hasn't been on too many dream dates then.

Anyway, they end up leaving for the date and Danielle talks about how she's so glad she can finally talk about "boy stuff" without all the other girls around. Yeah, boy stuff, like… dancing, and daddy issues, that kind of stuff. They go to dinner and Luke finds out that she doesn't like seafood. He is disappointed by this, but I'm pretty sure most guys would count this as a plus… youknowhatImean?

 

Meanwhile, back at the house, they are all talking about Danielle and Luke and Kristian starts talking about strangling people. You know, the usual.

Back at the restaraunt, they apparently skipped straight to dessert because Danielle doesn't really eat entrees. She starts stuffing her face with a chocolate covered banana and talking with her mouth full for the rest of the date. At least she was being active.

At this point, Luke has pretty much made up his mind about how much he hates Danielle and you can see it in his face the whole date. She goes on to say how amazing their date was and how Luke gave her the perfect "second date" and how they have "endless possibilities." I can't wait to see the look on her face when she gets dumped. Priceless. 

The next day, Heather gets a note from Luke (somebody's got a boyfriend! Oooooooh!) saying he wants an alone date with her since she barfed everywhere on the first group date. Hard to argue with that logic. They end up going to a ranch and riding horses. Poor horses. Heather laments not wearing her sports bra and Luke responds that he has his on. It's called a Mansiere, Luke, MANSIERE!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kristian talks about choking people again. Then she tries to make Melissa cry and fails. What is happening to the Melissa I've grown to love making fun of?!

On the date, Heather talks about her greatest gift, her singing. I don't know if she sang, or if it was good, because the sound went out on my computer halfway through the episode so I had to watch with closed captions the rest of the time. But I'm assuming she's a good singer because it's a scientific fact that all fat/ugly people can sing, I mean, look at Susan Boyle, or Meatloaf.

They get back to the house for the mixer and Luke talks about what a hard decision he has to make. I'm assuming it's because he wants to get rid of all of them and have them replaced with hot chicks. Sorry, I don't think that's an option, buddy (or is it?!).

So they all mix and Danielle sits in the corner and drinks like every other former Prom Queen in her late 20s does. Bonnie gives him a creepy drawing that he has to get from out of her cleavage. I'm pretty sure he immediately burnt it and went and washed his hands with bleach. Kristian talks about wanting to get to know him better, you know like his Social Security Number, credit cards, mother's maiden name. Then they make out a little bit and in the interview she goes crazy and starts crying about how scared she is that he's going to reject him.

 

Elimination time: He wait until the very last ring to pick Kristian, because watching a crazy fat girl go crazy is just good television. 4 girls go home: Christina, Bonnie, Amanda, and Danielle. No real surprises here, the three girls that really weren't even in the episode and Danielle. Amanda did throw a parting shot, saying "I don't know what he could see in Mel. B. I've never lost a guy to a girl bigger than me…" Oooooooh! COWFIGHT.

Here are some final thoughts:

  • I think Heather is actually starting to grow on me… I'm actually starting to like her a little bit too. Maybe I'm just going soft or it's because she's from Iowa, but she actually seems like a sweet girl. I don't like this at all. Please get her off the show.
  • Kristian is legit crazy. Please keep her on the show.
  • The frontrunners are currently Heather and Lauren. I think he's keeping Kristian around out of pity, and also for the entertainment value.

Stay tuned next week when the limo is actually a freight train!