There is a new and beautiful phenomenon in the Internet community: Epic Amazon Review Threads (EARTs). These hidden gems, nestled in a facade of convenient consumerism, shed light on one of the world's oft forgotten facts; stuff is funny. Even more than that, people are funny. In the past, EARTs were the products of solitary figures of wit, but this need not be the case anymore. Let us join the lone warriors and together we can howl into the gleaming light of the Internet.

How to Write an Epic Amazon Review
1. Find a weird product. How do you know if a product is weird, you ask? There are a few ways to tell: a. It is outlandishly expensive. b. It is disgusting. c. It is exceptionally tacky. Or, the more subtle d. It's got the WTF tag.

2. Once you've discovered your perfect item, there are two things that could happen: a. It has not already been reviewed. In which case it is your job, nay, your duty to write a review that will launch an Epic Amazon Review Thread. Or, b. Someone has already started an EART and you must continue it.

When starting an EART, you have a few stylistic options at your disposal:
(Click the images to visit the Amazon pages and read the rest of the reviews)
The Jonathan Swift

The Simple Sarcasm

The Sci-Fi


Sometimes, though, someone else has already started the EART. You just need to keep it going. The first rule of maintaining an EART is not to talk about the EART. In fact, even mentioning the concept of Internet memes is too much.

Too Much

The EART requires a gentle balance of self-awareness and innocent glee, but going too far in either direction will destroy it.

There are certain times,however, when it seems as though a product is perfect for an EART, but, for some reason, the magic doesn't happen. How can that be the case? What does it mean for the state of the world if a gross, silly product can receive sincere reviews? It just means that we have to keep fighting. Good luck.

Fancy yourself an Internet Indiana Jones? Send your findings to InternetArchaeologist@gmail.com