Psyched for your first time in Vegas? You should be. And your Aunt Marjorie just got back from Sin City, so let her be your guide to Vegas' hottest spots.



THE STRIP

"Oh my stars, we'd never go to such a thing. The way those girls dance on the poles, with their all-together just out there—-what? Oh dearie me, that's what they call the main drag? That's a strange name."
"All the lights were too much for your little cousin Norville, he's got the infant myopia ya know. We stuck to the side streets."




THE BELLAGIO HOTEL AND CASINO

"Oh they've got the best horticultural garden there ya know. I had taken a few too many spins on the two-cent slots and I was getting out of hand, so I went up there to un-fluster. It's a gardener's paradise, really."
"And an art gallery! There's an art gallery too. Nice and quiet, you can't even hear all that loud fuss down below at the casino."




CIRQUE DU SOLEIL

"I mean there were no elephants, and your cousin Nolan really wanted to see some elephants. He got mad and threw peanuts at a unicyclist. They escorted us out ya know!"
"Either way, they don't know much about clowning. If I wanted to see a bunch of hippie contortionists I wouldn't have paid all that money for circus tickets."




STRIP CLUBS

"You'd be surprised how few people were picketing most of them. Some of those places didn't even have one good soul out there with an aggressively slogan-ed sign or a bullhorn. Lucky we got there early and stayed out front of them so long."




THE FOUNTAINS

"Oh, ya, we were gonna walk to the fountains at the Bellagio, but we just barely missed the show ya know, so we went over to the fountains at the Caesar Palace, but your Uncle Harlan has his ulcer ya know, so we had to sit down somewhere cool for a bit and we just barely missed that show, so we walked back to the fountains at the Bellagio, bu tyour cousin Nolan had to pee and we had to find a bathroom, so we just barely missed that show again, so we walked back to the Caesar Palace, but there were some pushy people with flyers and your Uncle's ulcer got bad again, so…"




UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA-LAS VEGAS (UNLV)

"Never too early to make a college visit. Your cousin Clayton's already almost in his teens ya know! Not that you'd know it from his height, or the lack of hair in his danger area."




A LAS VEGAS WEDDING CHAPEL

"What kind of chapel doesn't do a Sunday service? We sat there for three hours dontcha know. Didn't realize it was such a big wedding day."




DEALING WITH A HANGOVER

"A hangover? Is that like a sleepover, but for college kids? I would deal with it by making sure the lights were off by midnight, to keep things on an even keel ya know."