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Do cowboys just call them hats?
-Fred Freiking
Allergies
When I was little I was allergic to strawberries. Last week I tried a strawberry, and to my surprise, I still hate my mother.
-Stephenie Ellis
God doesn't get mad. He gets even.
-Matt Z
I was sober for 12 years. And then I turned 12.
-Matt Larkson
Women face a glass ceiling when it comes to professional basketball. Roughly the bottom of the backboard.
-Lunk N
I was reading this book the other day and I couldn't decide if the word was pronounced "caramel" or "carmel." It ends up the word is pronounced "karma," and it's pretty fitting because I just murdered my English teacher.
-Ross Snow
I want to get a full body tattoo of my own body, only 2 inches to the left, so I can stand outside 3D movies and really mess with people.
-Wes Johnson
I got really depressed last night when the weatherman said everyone would be waking up to cloudy skies and rain in the morning, because that meant he assumed I'd be waking up in the morning.
-Conor McKeon
I'm writing a movie about a woman who is melted by a military weapon, then her remains solidify into a mutated version of her original self. It's called Miss Congealeality.
-Adam Newman
Being a lifeguard is probably the easiest job ever until you have to do something.
-John Baglio
"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind."
Someone should've told Ghandi if everyone was blind there would be no more racism.
-Andy Beers
I've been feeling pretty depressed lately, so my friend told me to try a puppy. I don't get it though: I've already eaten most of it and I barely feel better at all.
-Jon Robbins
Does the tip of Toad's penis look like a human head?
-Justin Delshad
You can tell a lot about a man by his religious beliefs, political philosophies, and core values.
-Spencer Small
"Blame It On The Alcohol"
At last, a rap song that automatically excuses me for singing it at karaoke.
-Patrick Cassels